Thursday 8 October 2015
The 5 Majors By Toby Lieder
Hashem organized your shidduch a long long time ago, before you were even born. So the 'other half' is there! And Hashem has His wondrous ways. But I believe that we have to give a finger in order for Him to give us a hand. We have to do our part. We have to make a vessel, for Hashem's blessings to come alive. We all get there at the end. Everyone has their journey. Thank G-d for yours. So this journey I am taking you on, is just a collection of my personal experiences over the years in my encounters with helping people find their 'basherte'.
One of the ways, you can 'check' it out, is by talking about those qualities in discussion, through examples or stories, and listen out for the other one's REACTION. Listen out for cues, are they yawning or turning in different directions, or are they actively involved in your conversation! If something is SO VERY IMPORTANT to you, and as you talk about it, the other one is enthusiastically involved, and even building on the subject, and there are good 'vibes' throughout the conversations, there is a mutual excitement on this subject, then you know you are talking the same language, you are onto something good. But if there is any STATIC whatsoever when you relate what is so important to you, and there is constant interference, like opposing point of views, yawning, or looking at their watch, be careful, that we are now talking about what is dearest to your heart, so it is up to you to decide if you want to live with somebody that has opposing point of views, or is not so interested about those things dearest to you!
Shidduch Checklist
Shidduch Check List
Here is a list of possible choices to look at, in order to help you 'PRIORITIZE' your VALUES. To help you select what YOU personally desire, and hold way up high as a priority, hopefully to be found in your partner so you get the best possible, loving, understanding, warm, and peaceful, relationship! Remember you can’t get 'em all!! Here's the 5 million dollar question: Ask yourself this question after completing your 5 majors list:
"Am 'I' the kinda person I'd like to meet?"
1. EMOTIONALLY STABLE:
Are they well balanced? Do they have a lot of emotional luggage? What was their upbringing like? What sort of a mother did they have? What sort of a role model was their father? Was there sholom bayis in their home? Were they brought up very narrow mindedly, or open minded? Are they in touch with their feelings? Can they 'express' themselves, to others?
Are they well balanced? Do they have a lot of emotional luggage? What was their upbringing like? What sort of a mother did they have? What sort of a role model was their father? Was there sholom bayis in their home? Were they brought up very narrow mindedly, or open minded? Are they in touch with their feelings? Can they 'express' themselves, to others?
2. HONESTY AND SINCERITY:
Are they sincere? Are they straightforward and honest. Or is there a hidden agenda, and you don't really know their intentions? Are they for REAL? Some people, do things, so others should take notice... others do it, L'SHAIM shomayim!, Lshma.
3.SHLICHUS:
Are they interested to go out on shlichus? Do they intend to 100% and see it as their potential future? Or is shlichus a possibility, if they happen to find the right opportunity? How important is going out and dedicating their life, totally to others', say like on shlichus, which involves, a lot of 'self sacrifice'. They may not be home a lot because of the shlichus. Where do they want to see themselves in the future?
4. SENSE OF HUMOR:
Are they more serious, or more chilled about life. Some people have a great sense of humor, and can laugh off problems, they tend to see the humor in everything, which gives a 'lift' to the seriousness that life holds for us. Others, take everything so seriously, sometimes too much. Does this person carry a 'healthy' sense of humor?
Are they sincere? Are they straightforward and honest. Or is there a hidden agenda, and you don't really know their intentions? Are they for REAL? Some people, do things, so others should take notice... others do it, L'SHAIM shomayim!, Lshma.
3.SHLICHUS:
Are they interested to go out on shlichus? Do they intend to 100% and see it as their potential future? Or is shlichus a possibility, if they happen to find the right opportunity? How important is going out and dedicating their life, totally to others', say like on shlichus, which involves, a lot of 'self sacrifice'. They may not be home a lot because of the shlichus. Where do they want to see themselves in the future?
4. SENSE OF HUMOR:
Are they more serious, or more chilled about life. Some people have a great sense of humor, and can laugh off problems, they tend to see the humor in everything, which gives a 'lift' to the seriousness that life holds for us. Others, take everything so seriously, sometimes too much. Does this person carry a 'healthy' sense of humor?
5. TEMPERMENT:
What is this person's temper like? Do they keep it all in? Do they talk things out? Do they have panic attacks? Do they 'blow up' at everything? How easily do they loose their temper? AND WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY 'LOOSE IT'? Are they able to say " nisht g'ferlach" easily? Or, "it’s all meant to be for the good?" Can you see yourself living with someone that blows their lid quite easily, quite often? Do you mind a screamer?
6. GROWING:
Is this person one that enjoys a good book? Do they get excited when they hear a new 'vort'? Do they look at making hachlotos, every now and then, because they are constantly on the 'growth'. They are never satisfied with where they're at, they are eager to 'be more', or get 'better at'...I mean spiritually, as well as emotionally. Are they fixed in their ways, or open to change?
7. RESPECT:
Does this person respect everyone equally? Are they continually putting people into 'boxes', or 'labelling' them, discriminating people as a habit? Or are they Melamed Zechus, people, and situations, easily, without jumping to conclusions? You know those kinda people that will shake hands with 'anybody'? Or not discriminate who they bring home for lunch. Do they carry a sense of respect for goyim as well? Like in shops, etc.? Do they respect little kids, or just walk away when a kid is crying?
8. OPENMINDED:
Is this person more or less open minded, or stuck in their own ways. I mean really, FLEXIBLE. Are they ableto see another person's point of view? Are they stubborn, to insist on only their point of view? Is this person peace-oriented? Are they able to easily say, "Lets agree to disagree"?
9. LEARNING:
Is this person studious? Do they learn for the sake of getting by, or have a true interest in their studies? Do they pick up a book to further their interests in knowledge, or have an interest in local shiurim, or inspiring talks, farbrengens?
10. STREET SMART:
Are they equipped with a good sense of 'common sense' (which is not so common!)? How street smart are they?
11. POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE MINDED:
Some people always see the good in every situation. They say "its hashgocha protis", or "big deal", a lot of the time. They are able to let go of things and see the positive in all or most situations. What type is this person? Do they 'kvetch' all the time? Is everything 'hard' for them to do? Do they take risks? Do they complain about everything and everyone?
What is this person's temper like? Do they keep it all in? Do they talk things out? Do they have panic attacks? Do they 'blow up' at everything? How easily do they loose their temper? AND WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY 'LOOSE IT'? Are they able to say " nisht g'ferlach" easily? Or, "it’s all meant to be for the good?" Can you see yourself living with someone that blows their lid quite easily, quite often? Do you mind a screamer?
6. GROWING:
Is this person one that enjoys a good book? Do they get excited when they hear a new 'vort'? Do they look at making hachlotos, every now and then, because they are constantly on the 'growth'. They are never satisfied with where they're at, they are eager to 'be more', or get 'better at'...I mean spiritually, as well as emotionally. Are they fixed in their ways, or open to change?
7. RESPECT:
Does this person respect everyone equally? Are they continually putting people into 'boxes', or 'labelling' them, discriminating people as a habit? Or are they Melamed Zechus, people, and situations, easily, without jumping to conclusions? You know those kinda people that will shake hands with 'anybody'? Or not discriminate who they bring home for lunch. Do they carry a sense of respect for goyim as well? Like in shops, etc.? Do they respect little kids, or just walk away when a kid is crying?
8. OPENMINDED:
Is this person more or less open minded, or stuck in their own ways. I mean really, FLEXIBLE. Are they ableto see another person's point of view? Are they stubborn, to insist on only their point of view? Is this person peace-oriented? Are they able to easily say, "Lets agree to disagree"?
9. LEARNING:
Is this person studious? Do they learn for the sake of getting by, or have a true interest in their studies? Do they pick up a book to further their interests in knowledge, or have an interest in local shiurim, or inspiring talks, farbrengens?
10. STREET SMART:
Are they equipped with a good sense of 'common sense' (which is not so common!)? How street smart are they?
11. POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE MINDED:
Some people always see the good in every situation. They say "its hashgocha protis", or "big deal", a lot of the time. They are able to let go of things and see the positive in all or most situations. What type is this person? Do they 'kvetch' all the time? Is everything 'hard' for them to do? Do they take risks? Do they complain about everything and everyone?
12. CHASSIDISHKIET, YIDDISHKIET:
What is their 'yiddishkiet' like? How do they behave, inwards and outwards? How does 'chassidishkiet' play a role in their life? What is their connection to the Rebbe? How serious do they follow the Rebbe? How much do they make the Rebbe part of their lives? Do they have Yiras Shomayim?
13. PERSONALITY:
Do they have a 'spark', a creative side to their personality? Are they quiet and reserved, too hard to 'get into'? Are they lively and full of life? Are they more serious, but have a tremendous amount of 'toichen'? What type of personality do they have? Are they a more sociable type, or rather stay at home type? Introvert, or extrovert?
14. CHARACTER:
Are they kind, by nature? Are they soft and gentle? Are they generous? Are they the type that looks how to help others, or are they more 'self centered'? Are they 'sensitive' to other people’s needs or do they 'pretend' they didn't 'notice' it? Do they have a generous nature or a more stingy nature?
15. RESPONSIBLE:
Can you give them tasks to perform, and know that it'll get done? Are they dependable? Would you entrust this person with major responsibilities? Do they keep to 'seder' well? What successful projects have they done & were responsible for?
16. ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
Are they 'sloppy'? Are they neat ‘n tidy? Can they set up a home? Run a business? Can they organize events? Are they a leader or a follower? Do they make things happen or watch things happen? Or don’t even know that something happened?
17. FAMILY ORIENTED:
Does this person come from a secure, well-balanced, family-oriented, warm environment? Do they love family-stuff? Like, is family important to them? Do they talk much about their family? What is their relationship with their 'mother'? Do they speak highly of her? What about the father? How do they respect him? What size family would they want if given a choice? Large or small? Are they a 'stay at home parent' or more of a “go getter”?
18. NATURE:
Are they the relaxed type by nature, or always on the go, type? Can they sit back, relax and spend time with little kids and enjoy their company? Or do they get nervous around kids? Are they a 'good listener'? Are they really listening to you when you talk? Do they have patience to hear you out, or are they too busy, or looking at their watch?
19. QUALITY:
Do they go for a higher, good quality life? Or are they very happy living with the bare minimum? How do they dress? Are they 'baalabatish? Or didn’t-look-in-the- mirror type?
20. CONFIDENCE:
Do they have a good sense of self-esteem? What is their confidence like? Are they always worried that what they do is not good enough? Do they set goals, and carry them out? Do they believe in themselves, or put themselves down? Are they shy and reserved? Can they talk to anyone about anything?
21. HEALTH:
What is their family's state of health? Is there anything we should be aware of? For the sake of all parties involved, is there anything that you heard that would be important for us to know?
23. PUT- TOGETHER:
Is this person, a self-disciplined type? Are they put-together, they know where they're going, they don't just go with the flow? Do they carry a good sense of 'purpose' with them each day. Are they the type that would not “waste” a moment? There are others, that take life as it hits them...take it easy type, like, no particular agenda.
24. MASHPIAH:
Are they the type that people would look up to for advise? Or do they shy away, from being asked their opinion? Would they 'have' a mashpiah? Or do they have too much of an ego to ask for advice? What position do you see them in?
25. SPARE TIME, HOBBIES:
What do they do when they have some 'spare' time?
Who do they hang out with, when they want to just, hang around? Where do they go to socialize? What are their talents and interests? When they make time for leisure or vacations, what is their sense of a good vacation?
26. STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
What would you say are their strengths and weaknesses? Everybody has both, otherwise we'd all be angels! So what are theirs? Like if they had to make a hachlota what would they improve on? What are they best at? What shines the most, when you think of this person?
27. LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
Remember that nobody has it all. So if you had to choose 5 most important qualities that this person stands out for, what would they be?
What is their 'yiddishkiet' like? How do they behave, inwards and outwards? How does 'chassidishkiet' play a role in their life? What is their connection to the Rebbe? How serious do they follow the Rebbe? How much do they make the Rebbe part of their lives? Do they have Yiras Shomayim?
13. PERSONALITY:
Do they have a 'spark', a creative side to their personality? Are they quiet and reserved, too hard to 'get into'? Are they lively and full of life? Are they more serious, but have a tremendous amount of 'toichen'? What type of personality do they have? Are they a more sociable type, or rather stay at home type? Introvert, or extrovert?
14. CHARACTER:
Are they kind, by nature? Are they soft and gentle? Are they generous? Are they the type that looks how to help others, or are they more 'self centered'? Are they 'sensitive' to other people’s needs or do they 'pretend' they didn't 'notice' it? Do they have a generous nature or a more stingy nature?
15. RESPONSIBLE:
Can you give them tasks to perform, and know that it'll get done? Are they dependable? Would you entrust this person with major responsibilities? Do they keep to 'seder' well? What successful projects have they done & were responsible for?
16. ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
Are they 'sloppy'? Are they neat ‘n tidy? Can they set up a home? Run a business? Can they organize events? Are they a leader or a follower? Do they make things happen or watch things happen? Or don’t even know that something happened?
17. FAMILY ORIENTED:
Does this person come from a secure, well-balanced, family-oriented, warm environment? Do they love family-stuff? Like, is family important to them? Do they talk much about their family? What is their relationship with their 'mother'? Do they speak highly of her? What about the father? How do they respect him? What size family would they want if given a choice? Large or small? Are they a 'stay at home parent' or more of a “go getter”?
18. NATURE:
Are they the relaxed type by nature, or always on the go, type? Can they sit back, relax and spend time with little kids and enjoy their company? Or do they get nervous around kids? Are they a 'good listener'? Are they really listening to you when you talk? Do they have patience to hear you out, or are they too busy, or looking at their watch?
19. QUALITY:
Do they go for a higher, good quality life? Or are they very happy living with the bare minimum? How do they dress? Are they 'baalabatish? Or didn’t-look-in-the- mirror type?
20. CONFIDENCE:
Do they have a good sense of self-esteem? What is their confidence like? Are they always worried that what they do is not good enough? Do they set goals, and carry them out? Do they believe in themselves, or put themselves down? Are they shy and reserved? Can they talk to anyone about anything?
21. HEALTH:
What is their family's state of health? Is there anything we should be aware of? For the sake of all parties involved, is there anything that you heard that would be important for us to know?
23. PUT- TOGETHER:
Is this person, a self-disciplined type? Are they put-together, they know where they're going, they don't just go with the flow? Do they carry a good sense of 'purpose' with them each day. Are they the type that would not “waste” a moment? There are others, that take life as it hits them...take it easy type, like, no particular agenda.
24. MASHPIAH:
Are they the type that people would look up to for advise? Or do they shy away, from being asked their opinion? Would they 'have' a mashpiah? Or do they have too much of an ego to ask for advice? What position do you see them in?
25. SPARE TIME, HOBBIES:
What do they do when they have some 'spare' time?
Who do they hang out with, when they want to just, hang around? Where do they go to socialize? What are their talents and interests? When they make time for leisure or vacations, what is their sense of a good vacation?
26. STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
What would you say are their strengths and weaknesses? Everybody has both, otherwise we'd all be angels! So what are theirs? Like if they had to make a hachlota what would they improve on? What are they best at? What shines the most, when you think of this person?
27. LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
Remember that nobody has it all. So if you had to choose 5 most important qualities that this person stands out for, what would they be?
Wishing you ALL Chag Sameach!
Lol. Lokshin Marries kugel
I really know about a Lokshin that married a Kugel,
so why can't a Rice or Yerushalmi do so?
It could happen that that a Goldstien marries a Silverstien
Their children could even marry a Greenstien, a Brownstien
and their grandchild could easily marry a Black or White
What would be so bad if a Karp married a Fish or a Dalfin.
Would you say there's anything wrong with a Popper marrying a Korn
A Shuchat can't marry a Sofer?
Why can't a Metal marry a Hammer?
Somewhere in this world there could be a Levy who married a Cohen
but who says their child couldn't marry a Yisraeli?
Look, I really do know of a Hamberger that married a Salt
but, what's wrong with a Frankforter or Pfefferkorn doing so?
Listen, If a Stone married a Diamond would anyone complain?
Their child could always marry a Pearl
I don't think there would be any problem if a Fine married a Shain
If a Lerner married a Lein, is that a reason to make a fuss?
Their kid could even marry a Blatt
An Althaus would always welcome a Neuhaus and there kid could always marry a Bell
Wouldn't it be amazing if a Shabbat married a Hanoka?
a Newman married an Altman
Can't a Zaltzman marry a Sugarman?
Nu, a Chirik can't marry a Segal?
By the way, I really do know of a Tziporah (bird) who married a Vogel(bird)
so what would be the problem if a Geulah married a Moshiach
or a Shoshana married a Rose, an Alter married a Young?
Or even a Feivish married a Ferszt?
Instead of going on and on, I'd rather take less of your time
so you could make some real Shidduchim proper and fine.
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