Shidduch Checklist

THE SHIDDUCH CHECKLIST by Toby Lieder

"WHAT EVERY GIRL AND BOY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEETING THEIR ZIVUG" "WHAT EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW, ABOUT PREPARING THEIR CHILD'S SHIDDUCH"

Follow me on a journey that will hopefully inspire you, to think & feel more confidently, when embarking on the 'shidduch' scene. Generations ago, the shidduch scene was totally different then it is today. Women looked for a Talmid Chochom, a good provider, a strong man. Men looked for a warm and nurturing woman, a real Aishes Chayil that would raise their kids with the warmth of Torah and love of yiddishkiet. Today, our new challenge is, to not only find the above, but to look for our 'soul mate'. Not just a 'provider' or 'real aishes chayil', but someone that 'has it all'. Or so it seems.

We are looking for a partner in marriage, that can fulfill our emotional, spiritual and physical needs, with good communication skills, be able to be kind and loving and also maintain a long lasting and beautiful relationship. One thing is for sure, we must always remember that no matter what, HASHEM IS IN CHARGE! And that

"ALL MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN". 
Hashem organized your shidduch a long long time ago, before you were even born. So the 'other half' is there! And Hashem has His wondrous ways. But I believe that we have to give a finger in order for Him to give us a hand. We have to do our part. We have to make a vessel, for Hashem's blessings to come alive. We all get there at the end. Everyone has their journey. Thank G-d for yours. So this journey I am taking you on, is just a collection of my personal experiences over the years in my encounters with helping people find their 'basherte'. 

To the young men and women going out on the SHIDDDUCH SCENE, and to all of us parents of these young innocent boys and girls, I suggest the following ideas, as merely suggestions, that can possibly help make the journey a lot more pleasant. Firstly, take the time to think. Think aloud, with a close friend, mashpiah, or parent. Think of ALL the qualities you would love to have in your soul mate. Write them all down. We call this 'brainstorming'. Afterwards, select from the list of 45 qualities, only a few, (say 5 non-negotiable) that are of most importance to YOU. To 'you', as a person, not what's most important for your friends or parents to be proud of, but what "YOU" consider 'most' important.

Once you have figured out what you feel are the most desired 45 qualities, then ask yourself if you are able to possibly compromise on any of these 45 qualities. You will actually start to illiminate one at a time, as you can see clearly what is possible to let go, and what you absolutely cannot live without. This is simply a guide to enable you to THINK. It is meant for you to think of what qualities may be most important to you. What you value most.
As you read through the suggestions, have in mind the next time you are going out on a date, to look out for YOUR MOST IMPORTANT 5 MAJORS.

One of the ways, you can 'check' it out, is by talking about those qualities in discussion, through examples or stories, and listen out for the other one's REACTION. Listen out for cues, if they are yawning or turning in different directions, or are they actively involved in your conversation! If something is SO VERY IMPORTANT to you, and as you talk about it, the other one is enthusiastically involved, and even building on the subject, and there are good 'vibes' throughout the conversations, there is a mutual excitement on this subject, then you know you are talking the same language, you are onto something good. But if there is any STATIC whatsoever when you relate what is so important to you, and there is constant interference, like opposing point of views, yawning, or looking at their watch, be careful, that we are now talking about what is dearest to your heart, so it is up to you to decide if you want to live with somebody that has opposing point of views, or is not so interested about those things dearest to you! 

See my point? Dreams can be shattered by misunderstandings, or simple communication breakdown. It is usually EXPECTATIONS, that break up the sholom bayis. He expected this and that, she expected him to be or do, this n that. "Did you guys talk about these issues before, or merely 'expected' them to happen?!!!!!!

Here is a list of possible choices to look at, in order to help you 'PRIORITISE' your VALUES. To help you select what YOU personally desire, and hold way up high as a priority, hopefully to be found in your partner so you get the best possible, loving, understanding, warm, and peaceful, relationship! Remember you cant get 'em all!! Here's the 5 million dollar question:
Ask yourself this question after completing your 5 majors list:

"AM 'I' THE KINDA PERSON THAT I'D LIKE TO MEET????????

********* SHIDDUCH CHECK LIST ************
1. EMOTIONALLY STABLE:
Are they well balanced? Do they have a lot of emotional luggage? What was their upbringing like? What sort of a mother did they have? What sort of a role model was their father? Was there sholom bayis in their home? Were they brought up very narrow mindedly, or open minded? Are they in touch with their feelings? Can they 'express' themselves, to others?

2.HONESTY AND SINCERITY:
Are they sincere? Are they straightforward and honest. Or is there a hidden agenda, and you don't really know their intentions? Are they for REAL? Some people, do things, so others should take notice... others do it, L'SHAIM shomayim!, Lshma.

3.SHLICHUS:
Are they interested to go out on shlichus. Do they intend to 100% and see it as their potential future? Or is shlichus a possibility, if they happen to find the right opportunity? How important is going out and dedicating their life, totally to others', say like on shlichus, which involves, a lot of 'self sacrifice'. They may not be home a lot because of the Shlichus. Where do they want to see themselves in the future?

4. SENSE OF HUMOR:
Are they more serious, or more chilled about life. Some people have a great sense of humor, and can laugh off problems, they tend to see the humour in everything, which gives a 'lift' to the seriousness that life holds for us.Others, take everything so seriously, sometimes too much. Does this person carry a 'healthy' sense of humor?

5. TEMPERMENT:
What is this person's temper like? Do they keep it all in? Do they talk things out? Do they have panic attacks? Do they 'blow up' at every thing? How easily do they loose their temper? AND WHAT 'DO THEY DO' WHEN THEY 'LOOSE IT'????? Are they able to say " nisht g'ferlach" easily? Or, "its all meant to be for the good?" Can you see yourself live with someone that blows their lid quite easily, quite often? Do you mind a screamer?

6. GROWING:
Is this person one that enjoys a good book? Do they get excited when they hear a new 'vort'? Do they look at making hachlotos, every now and then, because they are constantly on the 'growth'. They are never satisfied with where they're at, they are eager to 'be more', or get 'better at'...I mean spiritually, as well as emotionally. Are they fixed in their ways, or open to change?

7. RESPECT:
Does this person respect everyone equally? Are they continually putting people into 'boxes', or 'labelling' them, discriminating people as a habit? Or are they Melamed Zechus, people, and situations, easily, without jumping to conclusions? You know those kinda people that will shake hands with 'anybody'? Or not discriminate who they bring home for lunch. Do they carry a sense of respect for goyim as well? Like in shops etc? Do they respect little kids, or just walk away when a kid is crying?

8. OPENMINDED:
Is this person more or less open minded, or stuck in their own ways. I mean really, FLEXIBLE. Are they easy to see another person's point a view? Are they stubborn, to insist on only their point a view? Is this person peace-oriented? Are they able to easily say, "Lets agree to disagree"?

9. LEARNING:
Is this person studious? Do they learn for the sake of getting by with, or have a true interest in their studies? Do they pick up a book to further their interests in knowledge, or have an interest, in local shiurim, or inspiring talks ,farbrengens?

10. STREET SMART:
Are they equipped with a good sense of 'common sense' (which is not so common!).? How street smart are they?

11. POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE MINDED:
Some people always see the good in every situation. They say "its hashgocha protis", or "big deal", a lot of the time. They are able to let go of things and see the positive in all or most situations. What type is this person? Do they 'kvetch' all the time? Is everything 'hard' for them to do? Do they take risks? Do they complain about everything and everyone?

12. CHASSIDISHKIET, YIDDISHKIET:
What is their 'yiddishkiet' like? How do they behave, inwards and outwards? How does 'chassidishkiet' play a role in their life? What is their connection to the Rebbe? How serious do they follow the Rebbe? How much do they make the Rebbe part of their lives? Do they have Yiras Shomayim?

13. PERSONALITY:
Do they have a 'spark', a creative side to their personality? Are they quiet and reserved, too hard to 'get into'? Are they lively and full of life? Are they more serious, but have a tremendous amount of 'toichen'? What type a personality do they have? Are they a more sociable type, or rather stay at home type? Introvert, or extrovert?

14. CHARACTER:
Are they kind, by nature? Are they soft and gentle? Are they generous? Are they the type that looks how to help others, or are they more 'self centred'? Are they 'sensitive' to other peoples needs? or do they 'pretend' they didn't 'notice' it. Do they have a generous nature or a more stingy nature?

15. RESPONSIBLE:
Can you give them tasks to perform, and know that it'll get done? Are they 'dependable'? Would you entrust this person with major responsibilities? Do they keep to 'seder' well? What successful projects have they done & were responsible for?

16. ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
Are they 'sloppy'? Are they neat n tidy? Can they set up a home? Run a business? Can they organize events? Are they a leader or a follower? Do they make things happen or watch things happen? Or don’t even know that something happened?

17. FAMILY ORIENTED:
Does this person come from a secure well balanced family oriented warm environment? Do they love family-stuff? Like, is family important to them? Do they talk much about their family? What is their relationship with their 'mother'? Do they speak highly of her? What about the father? How do they respect him? What sort of a size family would they want if given a choice? Large or small? Are they a 'stay at home parent' or more of a 'go getter'?

18. NATURE:
Are they the relaxed type by nature, or always on the go, type? Can they sit back, relax and spend time with little kids and enjoy their company? Or do they get nervous around kids? Are they a 'good listener'? Are they really listening to you when you talk? Do they have patience to hear you out, or are they too busy, or looking at their watch?

19. QUALITY:
Do they go for a higher good quality life? Or are they very happy living with the bare

minimal? How do they dress? Are they 'baalabatish? Or Didn’t look in the mirror type?

20. CONFIDENCE:
Do they have a good sense of self-esteem? What is their confidence like? Are they always worried that what they do is not good enough? Do they set goals, and carry them out? Do they believe in themselves, or are they always put themselves down? Are they shy and reserved? Can they talk to anyone about anything type?

21. HEALTH:
What is their family's state of health? Is there anything we should be aware of? For the sake of all parties involved, is there anything that you heard that would be important for us to know?

23. PUT- TOGETHER:
Is this person, a self-disciplined type? Are they put-together, they know where they're going, they don't just go with the flow? Do they carry a good sense of 'purpose', with them each day. Are they the type that would not 'waste' a moment type? There are others, that take life as it hits them...take it easy type, like, no particular agenda.

24. MASHPIAH:
Are they the type that people would look up to them for advise? Or do they shy away, from being asked their opinion? Would they 'have' a mashpiah? Or do they have too much of an ego to ask for advise? What position do you see them in?

25. SPARE TIME, HOBBIES:
What do they do when they have some 'spare' time?
Who do they hang out with, when they want to just, hang around? Where do they go to socialise? What are their talents, and interests. When they make time for leisure, or vacations, what is their sense of a good vacation?

26. STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
What would you say are their strengths and weaknesses? Everybody has both, otherwise we'd all be angels! So what are theirs? Like if they had to make a hachlota what would they improve on? What are they best at?What shines the most, when you think of this person?

27. LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
Remember that nobody has it all. So if you had to choose 5 most important qualities that this person stands out for what would they be?

1. Emotional stability/Family: Does this person come from a well rounded, secure, warm family environment? What kind of role model is his/her mother and father? Do they speak highly of them? What was the Sholom Bayis like in their home? Is family important to them? What sort of an environment/value system do they anticipate for the future-, which they received from family or friends? Are they narrow minded or open-minded views and values? Do they value unimportant (to you, at least!) and materialistic things, or do they realise the quality of life, friends and family?

2. Chassidishkeit/Yiddishkeit: Where is their yiddishkeit up to? How do they
behave privately and publicly? Do they keep the Halochos and standards of the Shulchan Aruch? Lifnim Meshuras Hadin? How does chassidishkeit play a role in their lives? What is their connection to the Rebbe? Do they keep the standards the Rebbe set for us? Spiritually, as well as emotionally, are they looking for growth, new hachlotos... Do they get excited by a good vort? Do they learn? Do they have interest in local shiurim, farbrengens, etc? Do they have a Mashpia, to whom they look for advice and opinions? Do they look up to someone, or do they shy away from it for any reason?
3. Character: What is their main character traits? Are they kind and giving, tough and strong, soft and gentle, patient and good listener? Are they sensitive to other people's needs, or would they rather pretend they don't notice the need? Self centred? Are they open-minded and peace oriented and not insists on their own point-of-view?

4. Responsible: Are they responsible in the way that you can give them tasks to perform and be confident that it will get done? Are they dependable with the important things in life? Are they responsible and organized, both with different tasks and their everyday lives- like seder, punctuality, money?

5. Confidence: Do they have a healthy, vibrant self esteem, or are they always worried that what they do is not good enough? Do they believe in themselves, or are they busy putting themselves down? Do they know where they are headed- a sense of purpose and confidence... Not a time waster, or would they rather take life as it hits them, no particular agenda (though sometimes having no particular agenda is a very good, healthy thing).

6. Health: What is their family's state of health presently? Is there anything that occurred in the past (to him/her or a family member) that you should be aware of? Did he/she go through anything traumatic, even unrelated to health? For the sake of all parties involved, is there anything that you heard that would be important for us to know or find out about?

7. Sense of humor: Are they more serious with a tremendous amount of
toichen, or are they more jokey about life? Some people can see the humor in almost everything that gives a "lift" to the seriousness that life holds for us- not overly happy causing things to fall apart. Some may take things too seriously. Does this person carry a healthy sense of humor?

8. Shlichus: Are they interested in going out on shlichus? Do they see it one hundred percent as their potential future? Is shlichus just a possibility if they happen to come upon the right opportunity? How important is it to dedicate their lives to others? (Even not on shlichus- how important is it for them to have Shabbos guests, an open home, a large family?

9. Socially: Are they sincere and honest with people, or is there always, or sometimes, a hidden agenda and you can't really ever know their true intentions? Do they get along with most people, or do others easily irritate them? Does the irritation express itself openly? If/when it does, HOW is it expressed? Tantrums, shyness, coldness, anger, violence, etc. Do they respect others and are they melamed z'chus, or (even unintentionally) do they label or discriminate against others? Do they respect Goyim, little kids..? How do they interact with them? Do they have tact and common sense? Are they street smart?

10. Spare time/Hobbies: What do they do when they have spare time? With whom and where do they just hang out and socialise? What are their talents and interests? Do they make time for leisure and vacations and what is their definition of leisure time well spent and a good vacation?
What are their strengths and weaknesses? Which strengths shine out most and are they the ones you appreciate? Which weaknesses shine out most and are they the ones you dislike or can easily overlook? Remember that nobody is perfect, so if you had to choose three or four most important qualities that this person possesses, which would they be?

Are you all of those qualities? Try and be the kind of person you want to meet!!!

SHIDDUCH CHECK LIST 

Amazing Quotes You Will Love!

You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old

A friend is someone who reaches for you hand

but touches your heart

Wherever you are, its your friends who make your world

Its not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years

To have joy you must share it

Winners make things happen, loser’s lets things happen

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without being discouraged

Nothing is a total loss.

It can always be served as a bad example

Anyone can admit they were wrong.

The true test is to admit it to someone else

If you ever had a difficult task,

give it to a lazy person, they’ll find an easier way to do it.

There must be more to life than sitting and wondering if there is more to life

Money cant by happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort

It’s nice to be important,

but its more important to be nice

You cannot make a discovery,

if you are afraid to make a mistake

No one cares how much you know,

until they know how much you care

A balanced diet is cookie in each hand

Don’t tell Hashem how big your problems are,

tell your problems how big Hashem is

Hashem created you with two ears and one mouth;

 to listen twice as much as you speak

Failure is success, if you learn from it

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

Leave everything a little better than you found it

Until you can see good within a person,  

You are incapable of helping  him

You can’t discover new oceans until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore

If you’re like everyone else,

what do we need you for?

When everyone is coming your way,

You are in the wrong lane

When something goes out of control, don’t go with it

No man was ever honored for what he received;

man is honored for what he gives

Anger is one letter shorter than danger

There is an instant tea, and instant coffee,

but theres no instant success

Life is like a bicycle.

When your ridings are easy, you’re going downhill

Stick up for what’s right, even if you’ll stick out

Focus less on why, and more on what and how

Live as you will die tomorrow; learn as you will live forever

Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% of how we react

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end;

It’s already tomorrow in Australia

Put on a coat and you will be warm.

Light a fire, and make others warm too

Instead  of  thinking  what  you  need,  think  of  what  you’re  needed  for

You can never do a kindness too soon,

for you never know how soon will be too late

You can never see eye - to - eye to a person

you look down upon

When you point a finger at someone,

three fingers point back at you

You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression

The only problem of being punctual

is nobody is there to appreciate it

Courage means to stand up and speak.

Courage also means to sit down and be quiet

True friends are the ones who know everything about you

And love you anyway

Growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional

When in doubt, use high vocabulary

For one minute of anger,  

you loose 60 seconds of joy

If you fail to plan, plan to fail

Stand up for what you believe in,

but more importantly,

believe in what you stand up for.

Laugh until it hurts, cry until it gets better

If something is blocking your way, jump over it

Its  not  what   you  have  in  life,  its  what  you  are

Don’t worry about making an impression,

work on making a difference

Acting good is a giant step closer to being good

Of all things I’ve ever lost, I miss my mind the most

To the world you may be one person,

but to one person you may be the world

One thing we all know about the speed of light,

it gets here way too early in the morning

What most of need, is to need less

I complained I had no shoes,

until I saw the man without no feet

Right when I was getting used to yesterday,

along came today

If you shoot for 100, you may get an 80,

but if you shoot for an 80, you certainly wont get a 100

Stand up for something or you’ll fall for everything

They say that money talks, but mine just knows how to say good bye

You can’t climb a ladder with your hands in your pocket

Life would be much simpler if we were born at age 80

and gradually approach 16

Junk is something you kept for years and throw out three weeks before you need it

Honesty has one great advantage;

You never have to remember anything

The ladder of life is full of splinters,

but they always seem to hurt when sliding down.

Everyone brings happiness.

Some by entering, others by leaving

Don’t let your parents down, they brought you up.

Common sense is the least common of all senses

Insanity is hereditary; you earn it from your children

My mind is like a video machine. When it goes blank, it’s a good idea to turn off the sound

Many people walk in and out of our lives. But true friends will leave footprints in our heart.

Experience is the best teacher,

and considering the price, it should be.

Friends listen to what you say,

but best friends listen to what you don’t say.

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary

Thinking is the hardest work there is

which is probably why so few engage in it.

Everyone must row in the oars that he has

Poor eyes limit your sight.

 Poor vision limits your deeds

A rich man is nothing but a

poor man with money

You can’t cry over spilled milk unless you milked the cow yourself

Most of the things worth doing in the world

have been declared impossible before they were done

If excellence is possible, than good is not enough

If not for the last minute,

nothing would ever get done

Everything will be ok in the end.

If it’s not ok, its not the end.

When I stand before Hashem at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say

 “I used everything you gave me”.

Emuna is not a belief. Belief is passive. Emuna is active

Instead of trying to live the life you like, try liking the life you live.

Kind words are short and easy to say, but their echoes last forever

If you want something done, do it yourself

The best way to get rid of an enemy is to make a friend of him

I have a photogenic memory, its just not developed

I don’t suffer from insanity. I’m enjoying every minute of it.

Friends are relatives you chose for yourself

School work wont kill you, but why take the chance?

Before you go to bed, give all your thoughts to G-d, he’ll be up all night anyway.

Everyone should admit thief faults. I’d admit mine if I had any.

Doing nothing is very hard to do.you never know when you're finished

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

People who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them

Your  mistakes in the past are the keys to your success in the future

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, others willing to let them.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind

Life is like a bowl of cherries, school is the pits

The brain is a wonderful thing that works from the moment you wake up till the moment you're called on in class

If HaShem brought you to it, He’ll bring you through it.

Knowledge is knowing you can not know.

Every action has a reaction

He has a plan, you just don’t know about it

Silence is a true friend that never betrays you

A man who committed a mistake and didn’t correct it, it’s as if he committed two mistakes

It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you never stop

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright just until you speak to them.

Be the change you want to see in the world

A wise man speaks because he has something to say, a fool speaks because he has to say something

The trouble with trouble is: it always starts out fun

Put your brain in gear before you put your mouth in motion

The reward for something well done is to have it done

Don’t burn your bridges after you’ve just used them. Take the material and help others build theirs

Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

Wisdom is knowing what to do, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it

No matter what happens, someone will find a way to take it too seriously

If you give all you’ve got, you''ll get all you’ve given

How come my road to success is always under construction

You spend the first two years of your child's life teaching them to walk and talk and the next 16 teaching them to sit down and be quiet

Before you criticise someone, walk a  mile in his shoes. That way when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

Friends are Gds way of apologising for your family

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain

Luck never gives, it only lends

I have seen the future and its like the present, only longer

Sometimes you’re the windshield sometimes you’re the bug.

If you feel like you’re under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem

Of the thirty six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is always the best

Wish for what you want, work for what you need

The more you praise and celebrate your life the more there is in life to celebrate

If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older

Champions aren’t made in the gym. Champions are made from something the have deep inside them- a desire, a dream, a vision.

Life is like a box of chocolates..you never know what you're going to get

Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile

If you have nothing to say, don’t say it

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter

Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?

Take a lesson from the weather. It never pays attention to criticism.

Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others: it is the only means.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose.

Sometimes the questions are complicated ans the answers are simple

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you  take your eyes off the goal.

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if theer is a light from within.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment

A bird doesn’t sing because is has an answer, it sings because it has a song

Keep away from people that belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Whether you think you can or whether you think you cannot, you’re right.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

Twenty years form now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did do.  So throw off you bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance

Whatever the mind can conceive and perceive, the mind can achieve

Its important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle