ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN? FIND OUT. TAKE THE TEST!!! LOL

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN?  FIND OUT. TAKE THE TEST!!!   LOL

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
Leave it there.
After 9 months, remove 5 percent of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

Walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 to 6 kilograms, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
At 10 p.m., put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
Get up at 11 p.m. and walk the bag around the living room until 1 a.m.
Set the alarm for 3 a.m.
As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a cup of tea.
Go to bed at 2:45 a.m.
Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m.
Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up when it goes off.
Make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

Forget the BMW. Buy a practical five-door wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

Wait.
Go out the front door.
Come back in again.
Go out.
Come back in again.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations With children

Repeat everything you say at least five times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old

Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
Watch nothing else on television for at least five years.

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips With Toddlers

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mommy!" repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each "Mommy." Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
Put on your finest work attire.
Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
Stir
Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
Do not change (you have no time).
Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Life Is 10%

By Toby Lieder                                                                                             August 31, 2015

It is all in the perception. It is through your own unique particular lenses that you, and only you, will see the world the way 'you' do. Nobody else is wearing 'your' glasses. Nobody else came to this age and stage in life where you are right now, with your life experiences. No two people are the same. Even twins have two completely different perceptions of the way the world looks like to them. 

Two people can walk into the same room, see the same people, experience the same environment of conversations, fun and laughter, yet come out with an absolute very different experience one from the other. 

What is it that differentiates us one from the other? That makes one experience joyful and exhilarating and the other, boring and lifeless? What is it that occurs in that same room the exact same setting, same people etc, yet one person is happy and one is sad.Could it be the atmosphere was both happy and sad at the same time?

What is going on here?

I feel the answer lies in ones perception, ones reference, in ones own mind that makes it or breaks it.

I believe that life is 10% what actually happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.

It has nothing really to do with 'the other'.

If we are wearing rose coloured glasses, then the world will look all rosy, right? If we put on a pair of black sunglasses the world would look all dark to us, right?

Its the 'same' world! the world didn't change its colours!

We changed. We put on these or those glasses.

Perception, is the way we see the world. The world, life, people, the schools, the shuls, the community, etc are all neutral. It just is what it is. We put on pink glasses, and it looks all rosey. 

Everything depends on our attitude, our 'way' we look at these things. 

The 'things' are just things. We are the ones that are in the control tower directing our thoughts and perceptions into the right/wrong flight path. We can choose to put on which-ever pair of glasses we want to!

Gevald! Why would we want to choose the black dark story when we can choose the happy rosey one? Next time someone says something negative about your shul or school or community or people or anything that matters, hand them a pair of rose coloured glasses and show them how easy it is to have a happy sweet peaceful way to view the world. 

Its all our choices at the end of the day.

It is all in your own hands.

Imperfect Picasso

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