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What I Realised About My Family. By Toby Lieder
What I Realised About My Family. By Toby Lieder
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Great Article ; Gratitude
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Good Quotes
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DID YOU KNOW....
1. YOUR SHOES ARE THE FIRST THING PEOPLE SUBCONSCIOUSLY NOTICE ABOUT YOU. WEAR NICE SHOES.
2. IF YOU SIT FOR MORE THAN 11 HOURS A DAY, THERE'S A 50% CHANCE YOU'LL DIE WITHIN THE NEXT 3 YEARS
3. THERE ARE AT LEAST 6 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU. THERE'S A 9% CHANCE THAT YOU'LL MEET ONE OF THEM IN YOUR LIFETIME.
4. SLEEPING WITHOUT A PILLOW REDUCES BACK PAIN AND KEEPS YOUR SPINE STRONGER.
5. A PERSON'S HEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR FATHER, AND THEIR WEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR MOTHER.
6. IF A PART OF YOUR BODY "FALLS ASLEEP",YOU CAN ALMOST ALWAYS "WAKE IT UP" BY SHAKING YOUR HEAD.
7. THERE ARE THREE THINGS THE HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT RESIST NOTICING -FOOD, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE AND DANGER
8. RIGHT-HANDED PEOPLE TEND TO CHEW FOOD ON THEIR RIGHT SIDE
9. PUTTING DRY TEA BAGS IN GYM BAGS OR SMELLY SHOES WILL ABSORB THE UNPLEASANT ODOR.
10. ACCORDING TO ALBERT EINSTEIN, IF HONEY BEES WERE TO DISAPPEAR FROM EARTH, HUMANS WOULD BE DEAD WITHIN 4 YEARS.
11. THERE ARE SO MANY KINDS OF APPLES, THAT IF YOU ATE A NEW ONE EVERYDAY, IT WOULD TAKE OVER 20 YEARS TO TRY THEM ALL.
12. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT EATING FOR WEEKS, BUT YOU WILL ONLY LIVE 11 DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING.
13. PEOPLE WHO LAUGH A LOT ARE HEALTHIER THAN THOSE WHO DON'T.
14. LAZINESS AND INACTIVITY KILLS JUST AS MANY PEOPLE AS SMOKING.
15. A HUMAN BRAIN HAS A CAPACITY TO STORE 5 TIMES AS MUCH INFORMATION AS WIKIPEDIA
16. OUR BRAIN USES THE SAME AMOUNT OF POWER AS A 10-WATT LIGHT BULB!!
17. OUR BODY GIVES ENOUGH HEAT IN 30 MINS TO BOIL 1.5 LITERS OF WATER!!
18. THE OVUM EGG IS THE LARGEST CELL AND THE SPERM IS THE SMALLEST CELL!!
19. STOMACH ACID (CONC. HCL) IS STRONG ENOUGH TO DISSOLVE RAZOR BLADES!!
20. TAKE A 10-30 MINUTE WALK EVERY DAY & WHILE YOU WALK, SMILE. IT IS THE ULTIMATE ANTIDEPRESSANT.
21. SIT IN SILENCE FOR AT LEAST 10 MINUTES EACH DAY.
22. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, PRAY TO ASK GOD'S GUIDANCE FOR YOUR PURPOSE TODAY.
23. EAT MORE FOODS THAT GROW ON TREES AND PLANTS AND EAT LESS FOOD THAT IS MANUFACTURED IN PLANTS.
24. DRINK GREEN TEA AND PLENTY OF WATER. EAT BLUEBERRIES, BROCCOLI, AND ALMONDS.
25. TRY TO MAKE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE SMILE EACH DAY.
26. DON'T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY ON GOSSIP, ENERGY VAMPIRES, ISSUES OF THE PAST, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OR THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL. INSTEAD INVEST YOUR ENERGY IN THE POSITIVE PRESENT MOMENT.
27. EAT BREAKFAST LIKE A KING, LUNCH LIKE A PRINCE AND DINNER LIKE A COLLEGE KID WITH A MAXED OUT CHARGE CARD.
28. LIFE ISN'T FAIR, BUT IT'S STILL GOOD.
29. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TIME HATING ANYONE. FORGIVE THEM FOR EVERYTHING!
30. DON'T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY. NO ONE ELSE DOES.
31. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WIN EVERY ARGUMENT. AGREE TO DISAGREE.
32. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST SO IT WON'T SPOIL THE PRESENT.
33. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEIR JOURNEY IS ALL ABOUT.
34. NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOU.
35. FRAME EVERY SO-CALLED DISASTER WITH THESE WORDS: 'IN FIVE YEARS, WILL THIS MATTER?'
36. HELP THE NEEDY! BE GENEROUS! BE A 'GIVER' NOT A 'TAKER'
37. WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
38. TIME HEALS EVERYTHING.
39. HOWEVER GOOD OR BAD A SITUATION IS, IT WILL CHANGE.
40. YOUR JOB WON'T TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE SICK. YOUR FRIENDS WILL. STAY IN TOUCH.
41. ENVY IS A WASTE OF TIME. YOU ALREADY HAVE ALL YOU NEED.
42. EACH NIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, PRAY TO GOD AND BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED TODAY !
43. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED.
Seniors....Laugh Away
Get ready to laugh.
SENIORS UNDER ATTACK
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilised these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 waist pant as 40? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.Thank you.
The Truth
This Is Something Else
Painstakingly collected statistics !!!!!
VERY TRUE ---must read and forward
It will take a little longer to read but must read.
This is not for any specific religion, but it's true........
The Shoe Bomber was a Muslim
The Beltway Snipers were Muslims
The Fort Hood Shooter was a Muslim
The Underwear Bomber was a Muslim
The U-S.S. Cole Bombers were Muslims
The Madrid Train Bombers were Muslims
The Bali Nightclub Bombers were Muslims
The London Subway Bombers were Muslims
The Moscow Theatre Attackers were Muslims
The Boston Marathon Bombers were Muslims
The Pan-Am flight #93 Bombers were Muslims
The Air France Entebbe Hijackers were Muslims
The Iranian Embassy Takeover, was by Muslims
The Beirut U.S. Embassy Bombers were Muslims
The Libyan U.S. Embassy Attack was by Muslims
The Buenos Aires Suicide Bombers were Muslims
The Israeli Olympic Team Attackers were Muslims
The Kenyan U.S, Embassy Bombers were Muslims
The Saudi, Khobar Towers Bombers were Muslims
The Beirut Marine Barracks Bombers were Muslims
The Besian Russian School Attackers were Muslims
The First World Trade Center Bombers were Muslims
The Bombay, Mumbai, India Attackers were Muslims
The Achille Lauro Cruise Ship Hijackers were Muslims
The Nairobi, Kenya Shopping Mall Killers were Muslims
The September 11th 2001 Airline Hijackers were Muslims
The Sydney, Australia Lindt Cafe Kidnapper was a Muslim
The Peshawar, Pakistani School Children Killers were Muslims
Think of it:
Hindus living with Jews = No Problem
Baha'is living with Jews = No Problem
Jews living with Atheists = No Problem
Sikhs living with Hindus = No Problem
Hindus living with Baha'is = No Problem
Christians living with Jews = No Problem
Jews living with Buddhists = No Problem
Shintos living with Atheists = No Problem
Buddhists living with Sikhs = No Problem
Baha'is living with Christians = No Problem
Buddhists living with Shintos = No Problem
Buddhists living with Hindus = No Problem
Hindus living with Christians = No Problem
Atheists living with Buddhists = No Problem
Confusians living with Hindus = No Problem
Atheists living with Confucians = No Problem
Muslims living with Jews = Problem
Muslims living with Sikhs = Problem
Muslims living with Hindus = Problem
Muslims living with Baha'is = Problem
Muslims living with Shintos = Problem
Muslims living with Atheists = Problem
Muslims living with Buddhists = Problem
Muslims living with Christians = Problem
MUSLIMS LIVING WITH MUSLIMS = VERY BIG PROBLEM
**********SO THIS LEAD TO *****************
They’re not happy in Gaza
They're not happy in Egypt
They're not happy in Libya
They're not happy in Iran
They're not happy in Iraq
They're not happy in Yemen
They're not happy in Pakistan
They're not happy in Syria
They're not happy in Lebanon
They're not happy in Nigeria
They're not happy in Kenya
They're not happy in Sudan
They're not happy in Morocco
They're not happy in Afghanistan
******** So, where are they happy? **********
They're happy in Australia
They're happy in Belgium
They're happy in France
They're happy in Holland
They're happy in Italy
They're happy in Germany
They're happy in Spain
They're happy in Sweden
They're happy in Denmark
They're happy in the USA & Canada
They're happy in Norway & India
They're very happy in England (UK) (Loads of Welfare Benefits)
They're happy in almost every country that is not Islamic!
And who do they blame? Not Islam... Not their leadership... Not themselves...
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!!
And they want to change the countries they're happy in, to be like the countries they came from where they were unhappy and finally they will be get hammered !!!!
Islamic Jihad: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
ISIS: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Qaeda: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Taliban: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Boko Haram: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Nusra: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Abu Sayyaf: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Badr: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Muslim Brotherhood: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Lashkar-e-Taiba: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Ansaru: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Jemaah Islamiyah: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Abdullah Azzam Brigades: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Shabbab Somalia: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION AND A LOT MORE!!!!!!!
Hysterically Funny
Hysterical Funny
At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.
So I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh....It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- Anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!!
How Old Is Grandma
How Old is Grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not yet invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all 5 cents
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your 5 cents on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because petrol was 4 cents a litre
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready?????
This woman would be only 61 years old,Born in 1952.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES.
THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
Jewish Jokes
CHANUKAH
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey, has it come to this? Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!"
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it was too cultivate, so I took the subway home."
MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
Rebbe Story Monsieur
Monsieur
I was born in 1934 in the village of Vizhnitz, Ukraine. When I was a small boy, my parents immigrated to Antwerp, Belgium. Belgium had a large Jewish community — some 50,000 Jews lived in Antwerp at that time — and they hoped to have a better life there.
Unfortunately, our stay did not last long. In 1940, the Germans invaded Belgium and immediately began deporting and killing Jews. So everybody started running. We ran across the border to France.
I was only six years old at the time, but I was old enough to realize that we were fleeing for our lives.
We made our way to Marseilles where my grandmother — that is, my mother’s mother — and also my mother’s sister lived. A group of Lubavitcher chasidim lived there, and we were welcomed warmly. But the problem was there was nothing for us there. By nothing, I mean that with the war going on there was not enough food, and also not enough adequate shelter to handle the influx of all the refugees. We moved from house to house, from place to place. A few months later the Nazis invaded Paris, and the situation got even worse.
In the midst of all this chaos and upheaval, my family was forced to split up. Only after the war did I get to see them again. Meanwhile, I was sent to an orphanage in Marseilles.
The orphanage housed some forty or maybe fifty children, many of them as young as three and four years old. Some of them knew that their parents had been killed; others didn’t know what became of their mother or father. Often, you would hear children crying, calling out for their parents who were not there to answer.
As the days wore on, the situation grew more and more desperate, and food became more and more scarce. Many a day we went hungry.
And then, in the beginning of the summer of 1941, a man came to the rescue. We did not know his name; we just called him “Monsieur,” which is French for “Mister.” Everyday, Monsieur would arrive with bags of bread — the long French baguettes — and tuna or sardines, sometimes potatoes too. He would stay until every child had eaten.
Some of the kids were so despondent, they didn’t want to eat. Those children, he used to take on his lap, tell them a story, sing to them, and feed them by hand. He made sure everybody was fed. With some of the kids, he’d sit next to them on the floor and cajole them to eat, even feeding them with a spoon, if need be. He was like a father to these sad little children.
He knew every child by name, even though we didn’t know his. We loved him and looked forward to his coming. I remember there was a kid who was jealous. He also wanted to sit on Monsieur’s lap and hear songs and stories. So he pretended not to eat, in order to get his attention.
Monsieur came back day after day for several weeks. And I would say that many of the children who lived in the orphanage at that time owe their lives to him. If not for him, I, for one, wouldn’t be here.
Eventually the war ended, and I was reunited with my family. We left Europe and began our lives anew. In 1957, I came to live in New York, and that’s when my uncle suggested that I meet the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Of course I agreed and scheduled a time for an audience with the Rebbe’s secretary.
At the appointed date, I came to the Chabad Headquarters at 770 Eastern Parkway and sat down to wait. I read some Psalms and watched the parade of men and women from all walks of life who had come to see the Rebbe. Finally, I was told it was my turn, and I walked into the Rebbe’s office.
He was smiling, and immediately greeted me: “Dos iz Dovidele! — It’s Dovidele!”
I thought, “How does he know my name?” And then I nearly fainted. I was looking at Monsieur. The Rebbe was Monsieur! And he had recognized me before I had recognized him. It was unbelievable.
Later on I learned how he came to be in Marseilles. He and the Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka were trying to escape Nazi Europe. In order to arrange the necessary documents, he was travelling back and forth between Nice and Marseilles. He must have found out about the orphanage and the plight of us poor children, andhe came to our rescue.
I heard that after the Rebbe’s passing, a notebook with his handwriting was discovered. These notes covered every aspect of Torah and delved into Jewish philosophy, Kabbalah and the Talmud. Incredibly, many of these notes were written at the very time when the Rebbe was in France, at the beginning of the war. It’d mind-boggling to me that even amid all that chaos, he remained devoted to Torah study.
But what is even more remarkable to me is that a scholar of such magnitude would — at the same time — busy himself with delivering bags of food and personally feeding small orphans. He never forgot that saving lives is of primary concern. And I shall forever be grateful that he saved mine and because of him, I, thank G-d, have many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Rabbi Dovid Aaron Neuman lives with his family in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. He was interviewed in his home in November of 2013.
JEWISH EDUCATIONAL MEDIA
Funny Chinese Joke
Funny
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs' have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him..
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
Obamachashverosh
> The Story Of ‘King Obamachashverosh’ Year 2015
> And it was in the days of Obamachashverosh, ruler of 50 states from Alaska until Wyoming. An e-invite was sent to all his contacts to join him at a party. He tweeted his wife to come wearing her crown and google glasses. She rejected the call. In a fury, he commanded Verizon to disconnect her wifi.
> And so, Obamachashverosh needed a new first lady. Emails were sent throughout the land, “All suitable maidens must submit a Youtube Video of themselves; the one who his highness finds most worthy will become the new First Lady of the US.
> Esther, however, who grew up in the house of Mordechai did not have internet in her home. However, she needed to work on her speech therapy courses so she went to her “frei” cousins house to go online. It was there that the moderators detected her and demanded her to send in her video.
> Obamachashverosh liked Esther best. He filtered through all the other maidens of the land and downloaded Esther’s profile onto his Iphone.
> And it came to pass that Mordechai hacked into a chat room and gained access to documents between Bigsan and Seresh who were plotting on committing identity theft with their president.
> Mordechai posted the information on WikiLeaks and thus became listed on the Royal Website of those who the president would like to honor.
> And it was after these events that Obamachashverosh appointed Hamas to be prime minister of his kingdom. Hamas immediately declared that everyone must like him on Facebook. When he tried to friend Mordechai the Jew, Mordechai did not respond. Hamas immediately plotted to remove, destroy and delete all the Jews health insurance in the land. Emails were sent out through the fastest servers, saying that on the thirteenth day of Adar, all Jews , men women and children on the same day would now be subject to obamacare. Mordechai and Esther immediately called for a Million Man March to pray for the annulment of the harsh decree.
> That night, Obamachashverosh couldn’t sleep. He texted his servant to log on to his Royal Website. Although he tried avoiding the link which shared how Mordechai had saved the kings life, all other pages could not be displayed. Obamachashverosh decided he must honor Mordechai. After taking a poll, he orders Hamas to chauffeur Mordechai in the Royal Limo. During the parade, Hamas’s daughter, watching the entire event on her webcam, sends all her spam to the driver.
> Hamas joins Esther and the kings WhatsApp group and it is there that Esther reveals her family circle on google+. Security arrest Hamas and he is hung on the fifty foot gallows he had ordered on E-bay.
Did I read The Sign Right?
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
HUH?
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
Parenting Signs Of Ageing Funny
BIRTH LOL
ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month..
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
_____________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in..
___________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children .. . .. or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children. ...
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live
ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month..
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
_____________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in..
___________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children .. . .. or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children. ...
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live
My Father Taught Me
By Toby Lieder
It would be my father!
I immediately thought of my father!
There is so much to say
It would take a whole day
To begin to describe my dad
I'm feeling so sad
Sad that's he's not here
To chat and chuckle and share
He always found the humor in everything
He used to laugh and sing
Especially dance his own dance
One foot in front and a high bounce
My father made us aware of healthy eating
Always reminding us to have an apple before noshing
Positive reinforcement was his second nature
Always a good word to even a stranger
Who remembers?
Friday night after candle-lighting in our home
Machon chana girls and women would come
My father's Tanya lessons would be their weekly inspiration
Together with the smell of my mothers Just baked challahs what a sensation
My father taught me to always say a good to word to anyone
He was friendly to everyone
MY FATHER taught me words like ducks back
(do you know what that means?)
Just like a ducks back is slippery when someone annoys you let it slide right off like a ducks back !
MY FATHER Taught me
Never loose your temper always stay calm and stay cool
That went a long way with me raising 14 kids! I stood by that rule!
MY FATHER taught me
To talk to 'all types ' of people in the same respectable way
In invited them in to our home any given day
MY FATHER taught me
To say amen as many times as we can (he'd say a Brocha loud on purpose for us to say
He explained that angels are created with our amens each day
MY FATHER taught me
Gam Zu ltova this too is for good
He never criticised or said a bad word
Whenever in his presence you felt really good
MY FATHER taught me
About nature,planets,the oceans and the ski
Inspired us with Hashems creations through my fathers eyes
MY FATHER taught us
To have fun and enjoy life to its fullest glory
He loved classicAl music, played the piano and told awesome stories
MY FATHER taught us
To appreciate nostalgia,
old movies from the Rebbe entertained us all
Each moitzay shabbos he'd take out his old movie projector and we'd have a ball!
MY FATHER taught us
To laugh and play and be happy and be a kid
He always had a joke for us ready on his lip
MY FATHER tAught us
The appreciation of the Rebbe
He ingrained in us the love and respect for the Rebbe from early on
Him being a true role model of a real chosid and Yiras shomayim
MY FATHER taught us
Through his stories of tzadikim and lessons for life
We'd live by those lessons today they all all still alive!
MY FATHER taught me
To laugh and find the humor in everything we hear and see
He just knew how to turn sad into happy ,dark into light, incredible was he!
MY FATHER taught me
To be confident
He always said "chin up" shoulders back walk like a king smile to the world the world would smile back!
My father always complimented me on 'anything' he can
He made me feel I can draw I can lead I can be I can have I can do anything I want to
He made me believe I was awesome! Imagine your kids saying that about you! Do you make your kids believe that they are awesome!??
People felt good in his presence
They were drawn to him
He made you feel good
He brought out the good in you
Not just me
But every person he met
Every of the 1300 students he was principal in Bais Yaakov Boro park will tell you they each felt special
From my father I learn to
Treat every person equally
Love life
Laugh a whole lot
Share jokes
Look for the good in people
And a whole lot more
Do you know my dad!???????
Do you have something nice to add?
Please share
The Tablecloth Heartwarming Story
The Tablecloth
The brand new Rabbi and his wife
were newly assigned to their first congregation to reopen a Shul in suburban
Brooklyn. They arrived in early February excited about their opportunities.
When they saw their Shul, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a
goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Erev Purim.
They worked hard, repairing aged pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on
8th of the Adar (February 17th) they were ahead of schedule and just about
finished.
On February 19 a terrible snowstorm hit the area and lasted for two
days. On the 21st, the Rabbi went over to the Shul. His heart sank when he saw
that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8
feet to fall off the e front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit,
beginning about head high. The Rabbi cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not
knowing what else to do but postpone the Erev Purim service, headed home.
On
the way home, he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type
sale for charity, so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade,
ivory coloured, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colours and a
Magen David embroidered right in the centre. It was just the right size to cover
the hole in the front wall.
He bought it and headed back to the Shul. By this
time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction
was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The Rabbi invited her to wait in
the warm Shul for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no
attention to the Rabbi while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the
tablecloth as a wall tapestry.
The Rabbi could hardly believe how beautiful it
looked and it covered up the entire problem area.
Then the Rabbi noticed
the woman walking down the centre aisle. Her face was like a sheet.
"Rabbi, "she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"
The Rabbi explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see
if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the
initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in
Poland. The woman could hardly believe it as the Rabbi told how he had just
gotten "The Tablecloth".
The woman explained that before the
war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Poland. When the Nazis came,
she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He
was captured, sent to a camp and she never saw her husband or her home again.
The
Rabbi wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the Rabbi keep it for the
Shul. The Rabbi insisted on driving her home. That was the least he could do.
She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the
day for a housecleaning job.
What a wonderful service they had on Erev
Purim.
The Shul was almost full. The Service was great. At the end of the
service, the Rabbi and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that
they would return. One older man, whom the Rabbi recognised from the
neighbourhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the Rabbi
wondered why he wasn't leaving.
The man asked him where he got the tablecloth
on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years
ago when they lived in Poland before the war and how could there be two
tablecloths so much alike? He told the Rabbi how the Nazis came, how he forced
his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was
arrested and put in a camp. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35
years between.
The Rabbi asked him if he would allow him to take him for
a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the
Rabbi had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three
flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the
greatest Erev Purim reunion he could ever imagine.
The above is a true
story. “God” does work in mysterious ways!
Take 60 seconds and give this
a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who
sent this to you:
"Hashem, bless all my friends and family in
whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! May their lives be
full of Your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer
relationship with You. Amen."
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