Wednesday, 8 January 2020


                                            TOBY LIEDER

Downsize your list to 5 deal breakers.
Before and after each date check in as a point of reference if they qualify.
PERSPECTIVE:  In the future when small nuisances play out, we can focus on these 5 deal breakers, the reasons why we married them in the first place, these 5 core valuesthus putting things back into perspective.
It is extremely important to select the right references on your profile, that know you personally, representing you honestly and accurately. Too many shidduchim fall through because not enough attention was given to selecting the right references. Make certain the profile is professional looking enough as if your applying for a job interview.
The good old-fashioned way, keep the Shadchan in the loop as much as possible. I have unfortunately seen potential shidduchim that broke up, because the Shadchan was let go!
ENCOURAGEMENT: A bochur once told me he deposits $100 every time a Shadchan gets him a date. Just a tip. He said it is an acknowledgement for the hard work Shadchonim do into helping him. This gesture helps motivate Shadchonim to want to work with you. A box of chocolates or thank you card can go a long way too.
FEE: It is important to be upfront and agree on a fee before starting a Shidduch, so there is no misunderstanding.
NON JUDGEMENTALPay real serious attention, and listen to what your child is telling you what they really want. Make no judgements while having this conversation, and give them the right to date who they feel is right for them, not you. After all, if they’re mature enough to get married, they’re old enough to make their own decisions.
WHATSAPP BLAST:   Send out a WhatsApp blast to only close friends and family that care, with a short introduction saying “Please would you be so kind to stop for one minute and think of a suitable match for my child. Attached is their resume.” Quite a few successful Shidduchim came from this idea. 
You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Dress your finest clothes for your date. Be rested up. Consider taking off an hour, as to prevent being exhausted. In perspective, this is the time that you will decide upon your future spouse! What can be more important ? 
P.S. Guys, please make sure the car smells fresh and clean and is presentable..
7.     THE DATE
TIME:  It is recommended to start out earlier than later on a date, to avoid unnecessary fatigue and inability to focus clearly on what is to be the most important decision-making time of life!
Keep dates to  3-4 hours max. This helps prevent burn-out and exhaustion. 
8.     TEXTING
Too many shidduchim fell apart because of misinterpreting the others' texts. It is highly recommended to avoid any texting at all during dating and engagement, preventing unintentional break-ups, and hearts broken. Let us go back to the good oldays of THE SHADCHAN delivering all the necessary messages, as needed.
Think out of the box:  Allow yourself to be surprised to reconsider dating someone you once dated a long time ago.I know of many successful Shidduchim that resulted from revisiting a previous suggestion that was once dismissed. 
HASHEM:  The Gemara says, if one prays for another person that which he himself needs, Hashem will answer his prayers first. Pray for friends and family who are also in need of a shidduch. Remember every rejection is Hashems protection. Hashem is running the world precisely the way it is mean to be, everything in the right time.
About Toby
Toby Lieder, mother of 14
Teacher and mentor
Shadchan for over 40 years
Coaching all singles for dating and marriage
World renown motivational speaker; Dating, Parenting, Relationships.
Dating Coach
Toby’s coaching will help you identify your blind spotsblockages, and more importantly, prepare you for dating. Toby will pick you brain, explore you core values, challenge you to think deep, and help you create your own list of 5 NON-NEGOTIABLE'S.
BENEFITS:  Gain clarity, perspective, and confidence, enabling you to easily see if a candidate actually qualifies. 
Instagram @tobydatingcoach
WhatssApp and Phone +61470173916

Tuesday, 16 April 2019

Incredible Shidduch Story!

What a story!
🌷Hashem is the Shadchan
An older single recently shared with me how difficult her situation is. "I feel like there is nobody else out there. I keep hearing the same names.
How long can I continue like this? I just want to give up already. I can't even bring myself to pray for it."
These are the sentiments felt by many people in this situation. The road to marriage can be very difficult.
However, we must remember that Hashem is behind every step of the way.
From every optimistic moment to every let down, it's all being controlled by Hashem for our benefit.
A person's shidduch may be hidden at the moment. One's match may be in another country or maybe just down the block.
When Hashem decides the time has come, He brings people together in wondrous ways. We must continue doing our part-constant prayer.
🌷I read a remarkable story told by Rabbi Nachman Seltzer. One day, a man who was friendly with Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach saw him on the street, and Reb Shlomo invited him to a wedding that was taking place in his Shul that night. He said that it would be a big Mitzva to attend this wedding, as there was a special story behind it.
The man happily agreed and stayed to the very end. At that point, Rabbi Carlebach sat him down and told him the following story.
A while back, he was on a flight and got up to ask one of the flight attendants for a drink.
To his amazement, he saw the stewardess standing in the back, praying intensely with a Siddur in her hand.
After she finished the Amidah, he said, "I guess you were praying.
I never met a religious stewardess before." She said, "Actually, I converted to Judaism," and she proceeded to tell the Rabbi her story.
She was very sincere and had a real passion for religion.
A short while later, she approached the Rabbi's seat and asked him if he could possibly help her.
After she had been Jewish for some time, her friend set her up with a nice religious man. After a few dates, it was obvious that they were perfect for each other.
However, when his parents found out that she was a convert, they forbade their son from seeing her anymore.
The rabbi said, "I feel very bad. What could I do to help?"
She replied, "Maybe if you give his father a call, you could change his mind."
When he called, the father heard the suggestion and immediately responded, "It is not subject to discussion.
I have only one son, and being that I went through the war, I have a responsibility to my family who perished to carry on the tradition in the best way.
This does not include my son marrying a girl who just became Jewish a few months ago.
I don't know her intentions. I just want my son to marry a Jewish girl from a regular Jewish family like us."
The Rabbi tried his best to convince the father, offering to verify that she was truly sincere.
Nonetheless, he was not successful. It seemed that the case was closed.
Several months later, Rabbi Carlebach received a phone call from the stewardess, explaining that there were some new developments.
Two days before, she received a phone call informing her that her mother was on her deathbed.
They had not been in touch since she made the decision to change her life, and she did not even know that her mother was sick.
When she arrived, her mother made a strange request.
"Please promise to bury me in Jewish cemetery."
It did not make any sense. She asked her mother, "Why? And why are you asking me? Ask Dad to do it."
The mother replied, "I can't trust him to do it. You see, we never told you, but really, we are Jewish.
After we survived the Holocaust and made it to America, we made a firm commitment never to reveal that we were Jewish.
Your father was always worried that there would come a time when it would happen again here.
We raised you the way we did, because we thought it would be for your benefit. However, it ended up being a mistake.
Please, bury me like a Jew."
Now, she asked Rabbi Carlebach to please call back that father and explain to him that she was, in fact, Jewish from birth.
The Rabbi called, but the father was very skeptical. "She's making this whole thing up just to marry my son.
I'm not falling for this." "Please," said the Rabbi, "Let's be reasonable. What if I come to your house with her and her father?
This way you will be able to meet them and I am sure you will be convinced."
The father agreed and the three of them arrived at the house.
When the door opened, the two fathers looked at each other in shock
"Yaakov is that really you?" the stewardess's father whispered. "Moshe?" whispered the boy's father.
Suddenly, they were in each other's arms, laughing and crying, hardly daring to believe what had just transpired.
These two men had been childhood friends who grew up together in the same shtetl.
"Yaakov," said Moshe, "Do you remember our pact?" "Remind me."
"We promised one another that when we get married and have children of our own..."
"Oh yes," interrupted Yaakov.
"We promised that if one of us had a boy and the other a girl, we would marry them off to each other."
"Well then," Yaakov laughed, "It looks like it's time to keep our promise."
Rabbi Carlebach concluded, "That is how we ended up dancing at this wedding tonight.
Hashem brings people together in wondrous ways. Never give up. We can always be helped.

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