Tanya for Yud Tes Kislev

A special wedding The Rebbe

Thanks Hashem!!

A NEW ARTICLE

THANKS HASHEM

It was as if time had no hands on the clock and the time had stood still. 

I looked through the window and saw the same old street, with the same tree and the same crack in the sidewalk, that stood there what seemed like, forever. 

On the outside, it was all the same, but inside my humble home, time didn't stop there!

Every time I turned around it was someone else's birthday!

Another year has gone by?

How and when did that happen?

I was doing the dishes, listening to my little girl singing her heart out with her loud music, in her room. I suddenly felt panic. Oh! When did I last wash my little girl's hair? 

I ran to the bathroom and opened the door and called out, 'Chayala' do you need any help washing your hair?'

Her response brought tears to my eyes, 'No, Mommy, I’m fine.'

I’ve always tried my best to notice the good things in my life, every day with my 14 children. I’ve lived with that, ever since I had my first child:

I'd say, "remember the joys of yesterday", "Feel todays joy", "Look forward to the joy of tomorrow."

I had no idea tomorrow would come that quick!

Daily, they were out in the Aussie sunshine–climbing, digging, getting dirty as kids get to be. Children have to get dirty. Thats children!

And with dirt, of course comes baths. I remember when my two oldest daughters, Chayala and Shterny, would take baths together. I would wash their hair, they would play in the bathtub for quite a while. Well, that was our routine. Guess what?, they got older. Baths then turned into showers, I was still there to come in and be able to help them wash their hair. Then, believe it or not, the hair washing turned into just helping them rinse. Then the rinsing turned into the occasional, “Come, let’s go back in the shower I’ll help you rinse this one spot right there, on the top of your head.”

Then came, “No, Mommy, I’m really fine.”

This is the deal with motherhood: It is our job, Mommies, to raise independent kids; but no one tells us how to handle it when this actually happens.

And then, alas! that night, it happened.

I thought hey–When was that absolute very 'last time?'

When was that 'last moment' I rinsed the shampoo out of my precious little girls' hair?  Why didn’t I know then, that, 'it' was going to be the last time? And If I would have known, perhaps I would have done it better?, or made it last much longer, or kissed her on her head, or something like that. 

I would have definitely done something!

I couldn’t see the dishes anymore because the tears totally blurred my vision. But I kept washing. Washing and praying. Hashem!, help me remember how quickly this is going by. Help me appreciate every single day even the hard ones. Show me the beauty in each and moment even the bad ones.

The cure isn’t at all to slow down. That’s nearly impossible. The cure is a  real true heart of wisdom. The wisdom is to know that the broken dishes, the stained clothes, the lost pieces of puzzles, and the spilled food are never reasons to lose your temper ever!
The wisdom to know that homework can be done absolutely always later, and the mud puddles in the kitchen floor, have all dried up. The toys can wait till tomorrow, they wont run away!

The wisdom to know, that "people are more important then things"

The wisdom to know that every moment is a precious moment, Changing diapers, snuggling  together on the sofa, swinging in the park, eating dinner together, and even washing hair. They’re all precious, if you can just slow down enough to notice it.

There will be the last fort with chairs and baby blankets. There will also be a last story and shma, before bedtime. There will be a last outfit put on a one eyed doll. There will be the last swing at the park around the corner. We absolutely don’t need to know when the last one will be. We just need the heart of wisdom to thus appreciate each one.

It took just a little bit longer brushing her hair tonight. And then I lingered and I put her hair into a pony, down her back. When I kissed her goodnight, it lasted just a couple more seconds than usual. Because after 14 children and years of thinking I had all the time in the world, I realised something. Life will run off with you if you let it do so. As the saying goes, "life is something that happens as we make plans."
Sometimes, you just have to stop, connect, and breathe it in.

Thank you, Hashem, for mud piles on my kitchen floor.
Thank you Hashem for my aching arm after making 16 sandwiches (8x2 per kid) each morning.
Thank you for a messy kitchen, 3 piles of clothes waiting to get washed, and tons of legos on the floor. 

Thank you for loud music that can't compete with my yelling,

Thank you for the mess left after a birthday celebration.

Thank you Hashem for last minute rush before Shabbos and all the yelling orders to get to the candles on time!

Thank you Hashem for the guests that left a huge mess and, all the kids friends that went back home and left the house that looked like a tornado hit it!

Thank you for noisy dinner times and late-night conversations, for forts, baby dolls, lost school shoes, late night kids homework, being late for doctor appointments, finger-paint on the walls, and bedtime stories. Thank you for broken wrists and money to buy shampoo. 

Thank you Hashem for the 15 seater minivan that provided us with memorable vacations, weekly trips to the supermarket, and fun Sunday outings!

Thank you Hashem, for a husband that falls asleep at Sunday picnics, because at least I have a husband!

Thank you Hashem for all the headaches and school pickups when kids are sick, because I thank Hashem I have kids to pick up!

Thank you Hashem for my back hurting from shlepping kids back to their beds each night, because    

It means I was shlepping diamonds on my back!

Thank you for teaching me to number and appreciate my days. And, Hashem, when I forget, please give me a bit of a nudge to remind me what a gift i had at the end of the day!
Thank you Hashem

Unbelievable Teacher!!!

http://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/florida-teacher-starts-day-complimenting-students/story?id=35259600

Lol

Shabbat Candles! Paula Abdul

A Warm Story

A Warm Story,  By Labele O,

I myself have had my own experiences in life. Growing up in a small jewish  Orthodox town. I was raised by loving and caring parents that always wanted the best for me and were constantly involved in helping others. Unfortunately just like any other teenager I had thought that I was capable of making my own decisions and that I knew what was best for me. I also didn't like taking direction from my parents and over time things escalated to the point that I ended up leaving home at a very young age when I was only 15. I ended up getting involved with drugs and alcohol.

In the beginning life was fun and full of partying. All my emotional pain had disappeared. I had always wanted to be accepted by the cool kids and now I had finally felt accepted. 

Slowly my addiction had progressed and my drug use had started to become fun with a little bit of problems such as not being able to hold a job, relationships weren't lasting very long, people stop trusting me etc. It kept progressing until it had become mostly problems with a little bit of fun. I had kept letting down the people from the community that had kept trying to help me by offering me a place to live, setting me up with work, and by being there for me emotionally. I had hurt the ones that were close to me since they were the only ones still around.

After I had gone to my first rehab when I was 17 only for me to relapse as soon as I had gotten out had made people wonder if I really wanted to help myself. At that point my life had become only problems. I eventually ended up homeless and lived in youth centers as well as on the streets for 3 years. I was torn I couldn't believe were my life has ended up. I was a fun smart joyful kid that had lots of friends growing up and now I was pan handling for change so I can get something to eat with the only things that I had owned were the clothes that were on my back.

After reaching out to some people in the community I had convinced them that I was ready and willing to help myself and I ended up going back to rehab when I was 20. This time after halfway through the program I had left knowing that I was completely on my own. I ended up becoming homeless on the streets of LA until I had collected enough money through panhandling and collecting cans that I was able to purchase a flight back to my hometown. I kept getting a few months sober and then relapsing. I've lost many close friends to this disease but that wasn't enough. 

After being homeless for so long all I wanted was a place to call home so I managed to get an apartment and lived there for 5 years. At 25 I had realized that if I had ever wanted a chance to create a family of my own as well as to live a normal life I would have to make a complete 180 and leave that way of life for good. It was do or die. As expected I had a difficult time getting people to believe that this time I was serious about getting sober. After a month of reaching out I had finally got myself into another rehab in LA.

By the grace of God I have managed to stay sober ever since. I ended up meeting someone by the name of Asher Gottesman who is very involved with helping teenagers struggling with addiction. He has taken me under his wings and has provided me with anything I could have asked for and beyond. He has loved me until I was able to love myself and without him I dont know were I would be today. 

I ended up doing 5 months of treatment and 7 months of sober living and with a lot of hard work I have developed into a productive member of society. Today I have a life well beyond what I had ever imagined when I first made that decision to get sober. 

I feel it is only right for me to give over what has been given to me. I spend my time giving back to anyone that wants a part of what was so graciously given to me so that hopefully I can provide even it's only a little bit of hope, faith and courage. I am here to tell you that it is possible and that if you want to succeed you will succeed

. 

I have started 2 non profit organisations called Locate the missing and Families Reunited that helps locate runaway teens and provides relief and counselling to there families. They have been very successful with over 60 full time staff that have been responsible in locating over 200 missing people across the world.

When I had first heard about the Aleph institute and that there was an opportunity available for me to be able to help other people that are dealing with the very same struggles that i have dealt with I jumped on the opportunity since I can only keep what I have by giving it away. I am especially passionate towards helping anyone that I feel i can relate to on a personal level solely based off of my experiences.

Turbulence Is Normal

5 Ways To Misery

A Rebbe Story

 A Rebbe Story!

"It happened in the summer of 1961, but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was a young yeshiva student and had just returned to 770 Eastern Parkway, Chabad Headquarters, from my summer mission – Merkos Shlichus, the Jewish outreach program by rabbinical students.

 I wanted to catch a glimpse of the Rebbe, whom I hadn't seen for a couple of weeks. As it was about 2:00 a.m., I decided to wait in the study hall, hoping that as the Rebbe would leave 770 after his late night yechidussen (privare audiences), I would be able to see him, however briefly. I found a table, and put my head down for a bit. Due to exhaustion I immediately fell asleep.

 I had just fallen asleep when I felt somebody tapping me on the shoulder. Totally exhausted, I decided not to pay attention. Again I felt somebody tapping me. I still ignored him, thinking, “If this happens once more, I’m going to let him have it...” And, sure enough, it happened again.

 I whipped around and was startled to see Rabbi Chaim Mordechai Aizik Hodakov, the Rebbe’s chief secretary. “Reb Zalman?” he asked – I was only a student, a regular yeshiva bochur, but Rabbi Hodakov addressed me as "Reb Zalman", as if I was a married respectable person, he was very proper. "Reb Zalman, when did you come back?” “I came in tonight,” I replied.

 “Do you want to do something?” Even though I was half asleep, I knew that when Rabbi Hodakov asked if you wanted to do something, it was probably coming from the Rebbe. I quickly became more alert. “Sure,” I said, and followed him to his office where he began to explain to me what he wanted me to do:

 “I will give you a pair of tefillin and you’ll take them to Long Beach, New York. There’s a man there by the name of Mr. Louis Shelder. You should bring him the tefillin and show him how to put them on. Make sure not to come before 6:00 a.m., because you might wake him up. But don’t come after six, because you might miss him!” I responded, “Fine.”

 I washed up, and by then it was 3:30 in the morning. Wanting to follow the instructions to the letter, I departed for my destination with plenty of time to spare. By 5:30 a.m., I was waiting at Mr. Shelder’s front door. At exactly 6:00 a.m. I knocked, and sure enough, a man opened the door. I smiled and said, “My name is Zalman Lipsker. The Lubavitcher Rebbe sent me here to give you this pair of tefillin and to put them on  with you. 

 “Are you Mr. Shelder?”

He replied, “Yes, come in.” 

We made some small talk and then I did exactly as Rabbi Hodakov requested. As I was showing Mr. Shelder how to put on the tefillin for the first time, I distinctly remember there was a little girl sitting quietly in the room. 

Then he asked, “Where are you going?” “Back to Crown Heights,” I replied.

“And I’m going to Manhattan,” he said. “Let’s go together.” 

I agreed.

On the way he said to me, “Your Rebbe is really something special.” And then he told me what had transpired:

“Last night at around 11:00, I had an audience with the Rebbe. In the middle of the conversation, the Rebbe asked me whether I put on tefillin every day. I said I didn't and that I don't even own a pair of tefillin, and we continued to talk about other matters. A bit later, the Rebbe asked me, ‘If you had tefillin, would you put them on?’ I replied, ‘I don’t know how,’ and we continued to talk about something else. Then he again came back to the subject of tefillin: ‘If you had tefillin and someone showed you how to put them on, would you?’ I had no choice but to say yes. 

During the conversation, the Rebbe made sure to find out exactly what my morning schedule was – when I get up in the morning, when I leave the house to go to work, everything. And here you are, only a few hours later! He sent you with the tefillin. 

This is simply amazing.” 

Upon my return to 770, I reported to Rabbi Hodakov. 

 But that was not the end of the story. Many, many years later, I got a call from a woman in Israel, asking about this story. Apparently, I had told it to someone and it had been published in a magazine. This woman read it and decided to find me. Why? Emotionally, she told me that she was the little girl who was in the room that morning, as I lay tefillin on Mr. Louis Shelder – her father.  She told me that the family eventually became fully observant. She now lives in Israel with her husband, and her son is learning in yeshiva. After reading the story, she had to call and let me know the happy ending to this remarkable story."

                                                                                                                                         

                                                                           ****************************

 Imagine: The Rebbe at 3:00 in the morning, after a long night of the most strenuous sort of  work (as is well known the story of the Rebbe Maharash's "sweating" because of yechidus.) What does he do? What is his standard operational procedure? He calls in his chief of staff to discuss the ‘homework’, things which need immediate attention. And by ‘immediate’ we mean NOW!!  (In addition to things that have to be done in the next couple of hours etc.). The Rebbe tells Rabbi Hodakov to get a pair of tefillin (seemingly there must have been spare pairs of tefillin available for just such situations), go find a bochur and ask him to go, right now, at 3:30 in the morning etc., from Crown Heights to Long Beach, so that a yid should not miss even one more morning without putting on tefillin!! Only the Rebbe, filled with infinite love towards every Jew, coupled with the true appreciation of what a Mitzvah is, and what it can accomplish for a yid; has ‫מסירת נפש in his ‫עבודה to connect with others, and who also inspires the same sort of ‫מס''נ in all of his followers.

May the ‫זכות of The Rebbe, and the unbelievable awesome spiritual forces of this day, bring us all an increase of ‫ברכה, ‫הצלחה and ‫מזל, in all areas of our lives; in a Ge'ula'diker and Moshiach'diker way.

Dreams Do Come True!

My Family Dream Came True

The doctor told me I can't have more than 2 children. With tears, I started writing to the Rebbe.

By Toby Lieder, Australia

When I was 14 I had a vision. Not the hocus pocus type of vision, but a very real future vision in my life ahead of me, how I saw myself many years later. I envisioned myself with a very large family with lots and lots of kids, at least ten, sitting around the big white Shabbos table, with lots of guests!

I love children. I looked forward to raising a beautiful, happy, very exciting large family of children. That was my vision as a very young girl.

After I got married and had 2 children, both born by caesarean a year and a half apart, my doctor told me, "your next child will definitely have to be a caesarean too!"

How many caesareans can one have? After all, back in those days (1980) they let you have one or 2 more maximum!

I became pregnant with my third child a year and a half later, and of course the doctors set a date for the third baby's arrival, a caesarean was scheduled.

It suddenly dawned on me, "Hey, am I going to have just 3 kids, and that's it?" I couldn't believe it. "There's got to be a way to break through this challenge," I thought.

"I can't let this happen to me!" I told my husband. "It was my dream to have lots of kids, a large Shabbos table laden with a beautiful white tablecloth, lots of Shabbos candles, and all my kids of all ages singing, laughing and playing."

This was when I was 5 months pregnant, with 2 little kids at my side, in a red Peg Prego double stroller. I can still feel the heat of the day, both physically and emotionally, as if it were today, right now.

770 was overcrowded, and in order for the overflow of women to be able to hear the Rebbe addressing the women's convention that very hot day in May, loudspeakers were hooked up outside 770 to enable over 100 women outside 770 to hear the Rebbe's saintly words.

"Women should have at least a minyan of children around their table," said the Rebbe.

This was a first. For the Rebbe, a Tzadik, so holy, to talk about women having children, and to have many children, and at least a minyan. We all thought this is unusual; we have a Rebbe that talks about such modern things. Oh, how we were all shocked. The Rebbe continued talking, about the kind of things that were never spoken in public before.

That night, I sat shaking back and forth on my brown recliner, at precisely 9:30 p.m.

The kids were sleeping peacefully, my husband was preparing for his next day's lessons, when I suddenly took a paper and started writing a letter to the Rebbe. 

"Dear Rebbe," I wrote, "Today the Rebbe spoke so intensely and emotionally about the importance of women having large families. I know how wonderful that can be, but Rebbe, my doctor told me I must have another caesarean and that is shattering all my dreams, because, I'm with you Rebbe on this, I want a large family but cannot have one, due to the limitations of how many operations I can have!"

I literally shed tears, and told the Rebbe so. I said, "Rebbe, as I write to you now, there are hot tears coming down my face because I cannot have my dream, and the Rebbe says we should have this dream!"

I cried and said, "Rebbe, please bless me at this time, that I should give birth in a natural and healthy way."

The letter went in that night, and the next morning I received an answer from the Rebbe. The answer said, "Many people gave birth natural after caesarean, speak to your doctor about it!"

And then the Rebbe added, "I will bless and pray for you at the ohel." And the Rebbe gave me his blessings.

When I spoke to my doctor about it, he said, "Oh! If the Lubavitcher Rebbe said so, ok, let's go for it!"

After less than 2 hours of labor, my beautiful daughter was born naturally! And 11 more children, naturally!

And now, I finally had my dream come true, my vision became alive, when I would have the zchus of sitting around my very large Shabbos table with all my 14 children k"h laughing, playing, singing, and most of all, just being there.

The fun begins, when all the kids bring home a friend - just one friend - and the table just expands like the Beis Hamikdosh... it just stretches for everyone to have a place in our home.

The Rebbe's home!

קטונתי יום השואה תשעג 7.4.13 שלמה זיכל Sweet Young Boy Sings

Treat them Like Guests

The Kids Are Home for Yom Tov

When out of town kids come home for Yomtov, it is very easy for everyone to slip back into old habits;Toby Lieder of Australia, a mom of 14, gives tips on making the time a memorable experience.

By Toby Lieder - momof14.blogspot.com

When our out of town kids come home for Yomtov, a very short period of merely 2-4 weeks, it is very easy for 'all' of us, to slip back into our 'old habits'.

Why not? We're back in our good old home, where we grew to love, have fun and created all our childhood memories, so of course home is where we long to be, together with family and friends, the way it was.

And yet we find, when the kids return home from a long absence, we all go back to where we were at when they left in the first place. Everybody goes right back into their positions. The oldest one is the boss, the youngest so spoiled, old habits play out, the way we are all used to right?

After all, we are continuing where we left off.

I came to realize that a new system has to take place. We cannot treat the children that return home from out of town, for Yomtov the same like it was before.

Because they are home for such a short period of time, and we are all so occupied with yomtov, with guests, food preparations, cleaning up, and what not, that each and every minute really counts.

Time speeds by so fast, that before you turn around, pouf they are gone again!
What I came to realize was that, since the out of Towner kids are home for so short, let me make this time the most absolute precious memorable experience ever, for both me, and them.

Before they return home, I am busy with preparations getting ready for their exciting arrival.

Their bedroom is freshly cleaned (sometimes I buy new linen) with a new towel embroidered with their name on it, resting at the foot of their bed, that is calling out to be picked up.

I always have a welcome basket on their dresser, with their favourite chocolates and nash, plus a new sponge, and their favourite shampoo and knickknacks.
I change my gear up a notch; to talk to them like a guest rather then the child I used to order around to do this and that. I find that when I treat the out of Towner kids like a guest. in my mannerism, and speech, we suddenly become like best friends, instead of returning back into the mother/child I am the boss, and you do as you are told, habits.

Remember, they are home for such a short while, lets make it a most memorable, happy, peaceful, experience, where love and understanding between one and another has its place in a warm accepting environment, rather then the old habits we were so used to behaving.

The children have grown up now. They are now much more independent. We must recognise that, and shower them with a sense of respect, and praise their maturity, and keep reinforcing their positive behaviour.

The more we treat them as we would treat our guest, the more they will live up to that behaviour.

We have them for such a short time, lets chap arayn, seize the moments, and make this short visit a most positive experience, where they go away saying "I cant wait to come back home!"

Lets bite our tongues when a criticism creeps up, and have mesiras nefesh, self sacrifice, for the sake of peace, to practice seeing only the good, (as we would in our guests) and make our kids feel that home is a place where we feel safe and loved and not where they want to run away from.

Time flies so fast, right? Do you also say every week; it feels like there’s only 3 days to the week. Shabbos, Monday and Thursday. I don't know about you, but every time I turn around it’s Thursday again! Do you know what I mean?

This stage, of kids returning home from out of town, will slip by so fast, and before you know it, you are walking them down the chupa.

So, while we have them at home, please think twice before you open your mouth, and say to yourself, "What I am about to say to my child, will it make him feel good or bad?" as simple as that.

You have the power to make it or break it.

For more inspirations visit Momof14.blogspot.com

People, Are More Important Then Things

Angels Boys Choir - L'cha Dodi

Bringing Neshomas Into This World!

Remember The Night Farbrengen

http://youtu.be/2ujnqj7f1YA

It Makes A Difference

http://youtu.be/aBc2kw8aHRM

The Words We Say

Hashem Can I Ask You A Question?

Me: hashem, can I ask You a question?

hashem: Sure

Me: Promise You won’t get mad

hashem: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

hashem: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

hashem: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

hashem: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

hashem: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

hashem: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn’t work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

hashem: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

hashem: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

hashem: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

hashem: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see hashem

hashem: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m Sorry hashem

hashem Don’t be sorry, just learn to Trust Me…. in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

hashem: And don’t doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won’t hashem. And let me just tell you hashem, Thank You for Everything today.

hashem: You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your god and I Love looking after My Children…

You Never Know

If Only You Would Have Known...

Australian educator Toby Lieder says there are many things in life you would regularly do if only you knew that...

By Toby Lieder

You never know when you are making history...

You never know when the kind word you said today made a huge difference to a person in pain...

You never know when someone calls you Thursday night, it may be because they want to get invited for Shabbos...

You never know what that cup of water meant to the repairman working for you...

You never know what your big smile has done when your spouse came home...

You never know the ripple effect that a random act of kindness of yours...

You never know what happened after you gave a Shabbos candle to a Jewish woman in the hospital, or on the street... 

You never know how impactful your quick visit to the hospital room was...

You never know what the guest at your Shabbos table will be copying at their own one day...

You never know how much more your children learn from just watching you, than listening to you...

You never know how much more effective you are when you talk rather than shout...

You never know the long-term impact of 10 undisturbed minutes with your child... 

You never know how now expressing a grievance can do more than a loving word...

You never know how much love and respect you will get if only you showed the same to others...

You never know what would happen if you gave 2 compliments for every word of criticism...

You never know what kind of life you will have if you remembered that G-d runs this world and only expects you to do your best...

You never know... until you try!


To read more from Toby Lieder visit momof14.blogspot.com

Heartwarming Story Special Man

http://youtu.be/c0aoifNziKQ

Why I Wont Marry You

What’s the greatest deal breaker when it comes to seeking a partner?

According to the Wall Street Journal, the biggest turn off for both women and men was “disheveled or unclean” followed closely by “lazy” and “too needy.”

A recent series of studies cited in the WSJ opens our eyes to what is happening in the minds of men and women as they contemplate possible relationships. People give more consideration to what’s wrong in a partner than to what is right. Granting more weight to deal breakers pushes people away from focusing on the positive qualities that they are hoping to find in a person.

Here is a list of other top deal breakers: no sense of humor, lacks confidence, talks too much or too little, and watches too much t.v./videogames. Women had more nonstarters and a sense of humor was more crucial. Men found “talks too much” to be a deal breaker and they preferred not to date a woman smarter than they are.

Where Do We Draw The Line?

How do you know if you’re being overly picky or not picky enough? Many singles are faced with these questions.

Of course we need to feel attraction. Relationships cannot be built while feeling repulsed. But I wonder how many singles are zeroing in on a negative, feeling overwhelmed, and not allowing themselves to see the positive in a future partner. This nature of directing our gaze to that which bothers us often blurs our vision. A wonderful person is struck from the list because we were not able to look past the way he dresses or how she does her hair. While people can update their clothing and redo their hair style, it is much more difficult to reshape character.

It is necessary to think about what really matters in life. What kind of person is this? What have you learned about his temper, his patience, her compassion and ability to listen when you speak? Is he able to turn off his iPhone and make time for you? Are they kind or judgmental to the people in their lives? Can they commit and be trusted when they take on a job or responsibility?

For husbands and wives reading this article, it is important to recognize that we, too, can get stuck on negatives like ‘a few extra pounds’ or ‘balding’ as years pass. Forgetting the positive qualities that brought us to love in the first place removes the appreciation we thought we would forever hold sacred within our hearts. Instead, we gripe, even look down with disdain, at our partners. The path to taking each other for granted is now cultivated. We begin to grow apart.

What Can You Do?

Those seeking a relationship should take notice of the little things that may be preventing them from creating a lasting relationship. Too many of these ‘deal breakers’ are ridiculously easy to remedy. There is no reason to go out being disheveled and unclean. Poor hygiene, stained clothing, and looking outdated can easily be focused on and fixed. Constantly checking your phone or sitting with a computer game instead of sharing thoughts does not nourish seeds of companionship that make romance grow. Why impede yourself from discovering your life partner because of lack of attention to how you present to others?

The same goes for husbands and wives. As years pass we begin to let ourselves go. Getting dressed up only for others, being personable for company, engaging friends while ignoring our partners are signs that we have begun to disconnect. Spouses need to feel that they are priority. Take a few moments and put yourself together. Brush your hair. Smile. Don’t lose your sense of humor. Get rid of the shabby and stained clothing you wear only in the house. Get off your laptop while speaking. We give messages of love by showing that we are interested in being here and that we want to give our best to our partners.

A Bunch of Zeroes

When asked “What are you looking for?” many people would give the same basic reply: “Good looking, very successful, smart, super sense of humor, loves to travel, and athletic.” My mother, Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, would give the following advice:

“You have your list of six things you are looking for. Think of it as a bunch of zeroes. Now in front of those zeroes if you add a 1 you’ve got yourself 1,000,000. What’s the 1? It’s character. Kindness. Sensitivity. Good-heartedness. Without that, all you’re left with is a bunch of zeroes that equal nothing in life. After a while, a cruel person doesn’t look attractive to you, their sense of humor hurts you, their success breeds arrogance, you don’t care to travel with them because you feel miserable and so what that they’re athletic? Bottom line is good character. That’s number 1.”

Character is the deal breaker.

Let’s keep this in mind while looking for our soul mate. And if you are blessed to have found your match, be sure to take the time and revisit the goodness that brought you together in the first place. Your love is priceless.

Published: November 14, 2015

Good Thought!

As simple As That!

Someone Rings My Doorbell.........

“Someone rings my doorbell. I open it — it’s my neighbor. ‘Happy New Year,’ she says nicely, and we exchange a few casual words.

And then her attitude changes, as if she is going to make a very official declaration to me:

‘Lisa, honey, the whole building is asking you to remove it,’ and with her finger, she points to my mezuzah.

I look at her, shocked, and hear the rest of her sentence, ‘You understand, Lisa, you don’t want to endanger everyone…’

Then I don’t hear anything more, I see myself with my fist in the air like Charb with his pencil to claim my freedom, freedom to be who I am… I’m lost in my thoughts, and suddenly, I hear: ‘You’ll do it, right?’

Yes of course, I say quickly.

But when I close the door, I realize how much my ancestors had worked hard for me to have a home, for the day I would be told: ‘Hide that you are Jewish!’

Mes amis, I am telling you that I have made the decision to leave to Israel. May Gd be with me in this new path.”

– Lisa, 45 

France

That's Our Rebbe

Once when a chossid (the person who told me this story believes it was Reb Chaim Gutnik of Australia) entered the Rebbe’s room for a yechidus, he was startled to see that the Rebbe’s eyes were closed, and it was discernible that there were tears coming out from the Rebbe’s eyes.

From previous yechidissin he knew this was not a regular occurrence. The Rebbe would always greet him (and others) with a large smile as if he said beruchim habai’im, and here the Rebbe didn’t even acknowledge him.

However, he understood that there definately is a reason for this and he remained quiet, staying a short distance away from the Rebbe’s table and waited. After a few seconds, which felt like a long time the Rebbe opened up his eyes and apologized.

Being that he had an extremely close and open relationship with the Rebbe, he asked the Rebbe if everything is ok, if the Rebbe is feeling any pain chas v’sholom.

The Rebbe assured him,that he is Boruch Hashem feeling fine and the tears are for a different reason. Right now, the Rebbe said, there is a young couple in the airport about to depart on their shlichus.. The wife is the only daughter in the family and is extremely close with her mother.

So although all of her older brothers went on shlichus, the parents always had other children who were in the house or lived nearby.

Now,the Rebbe said, the mother is saying goodbye to her beloved daughter and there are tears in her eyes. Yes these tears are tears of happiness, but nevertheless, they are tears of a Jewish woman whose nest is now going to be empty, for good reasons, but empty nevertheless.

So I too participated in this momentous moment of theirs.

Then the Rebbe proceeded with the yechidus.

May all the Shluchim and shluchos have tremendous hatzlacha in their mission of elevating the world and bring about the geulah shleima. But knowing that the Rebbe is with you gives the extra strength to overcome the final hurdle.