From the COLlive inbox: A single Chabad girl has 2 simple suggestions to help be more sensitive in all matters of dating.
By anonymous
The other night I was speaking with a friend on the phone, and she mentioned she often gets reference calls for her co-worker. A woman called her and said, "Is she 'nerdy?' From what I've been hearing she sounds like a 'nerdy' girl."
That brought to mind a reference call I took for a friend wherein the person on the other end of the line kept asking "Is she normal? But really, tell me, is she normal?" I was quite bothered when hearing this terminology used, especially as someone who is navigating the dating world myself.
People have feelings and in the dating world sometimes it feels like the only way to survive is by placing an impenetrable shield over our emotions. We are told to "not take anything personally" and "move on because it wasn't bashert."
But rejection is painful, specifically when the response is "no" before the individuals get a chance to meet and determine if the relationship is something he/she wishes to further pursue.
I would like to suggest that as a community, we try earnestly to be more sensitive in all matters of dating.
1. Let's try not to cast judgement immediately.
When you meet someone, do your best to control your facial expressions when you ask someone how old they are. Nobody wants to feel unworthy of marriage because they are past the age of 25. If you discover information and have a specific reaction to it, make your own decision with it, don't force someone to answer an uncomfortable question which may have negative repercussions on the individual.
Often people have family history that is troubling yet no fault of their own and he/she and he/she has been faced with the challenge of leading the best life possible despite their past. Let's not punish people for their circumstances, let's look at person for who they and what they have to offer.
2. Let's try our best to put a little less emphasis on physical and material factors.
As difficult as it can be, let's look at people as just that: people with emotions, needs, life history and beautiful qualities to share with a spouse and the world- not a waist size, date of birth, height or hair color.
I understand the need for research, and I understand that people want to go into a date hoping there will be compatibility based on that research. However if the research is kept to personality traits and nothing else I believe it will set the individuals up for a successful date; as opposed to cluttering one's mind with many different thoughts and scenarios before the date takes place.
Everyone has his or her own concept of beauty and attractiveness. When dating, it is crucial to remain focused and not get hung up on insignificant details. I feel that when we restore humanity and sensitivity to dating single people will feel more hopeful about finding their other half than uncertainty and despair.
And one last note:
For all those who make a genuine effort to think of people and set people up in a caring and concerned manner: thank you, your work and time is truly appreciated.
The other night I was speaking with a friend on the phone, and she mentioned she often gets reference calls for her co-worker. A woman called her and said, "Is she 'nerdy?' From what I've been hearing she sounds like a 'nerdy' girl."
That brought to mind a reference call I took for a friend wherein the person on the other end of the line kept asking "Is she normal? But really, tell me, is she normal?" I was quite bothered when hearing this terminology used, especially as someone who is navigating the dating world myself.
People have feelings and in the dating world sometimes it feels like the only way to survive is by placing an impenetrable shield over our emotions. We are told to "not take anything personally" and "move on because it wasn't bashert."
But rejection is painful, specifically when the response is "no" before the individuals get a chance to meet and determine if the relationship is something he/she wishes to further pursue.
I would like to suggest that as a community, we try earnestly to be more sensitive in all matters of dating.
1. Let's try not to cast judgement immediately.
When you meet someone, do your best to control your facial expressions when you ask someone how old they are. Nobody wants to feel unworthy of marriage because they are past the age of 25. If you discover information and have a specific reaction to it, make your own decision with it, don't force someone to answer an uncomfortable question which may have negative repercussions on the individual.
Often people have family history that is troubling yet no fault of their own and he/she and he/she has been faced with the challenge of leading the best life possible despite their past. Let's not punish people for their circumstances, let's look at person for who they and what they have to offer.
2. Let's try our best to put a little less emphasis on physical and material factors.
As difficult as it can be, let's look at people as just that: people with emotions, needs, life history and beautiful qualities to share with a spouse and the world- not a waist size, date of birth, height or hair color.
I understand the need for research, and I understand that people want to go into a date hoping there will be compatibility based on that research. However if the research is kept to personality traits and nothing else I believe it will set the individuals up for a successful date; as opposed to cluttering one's mind with many different thoughts and scenarios before the date takes place.
Everyone has his or her own concept of beauty and attractiveness. When dating, it is crucial to remain focused and not get hung up on insignificant details. I feel that when we restore humanity and sensitivity to dating single people will feel more hopeful about finding their other half than uncertainty and despair.
And one last note:
For all those who make a genuine effort to think of people and set people up in a caring and concerned manner: thank you, your work and time is truly appreciated.
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