Shidduch Scene

ATTENTION ALL PARENTS AND SINGLES ON THE “SHIDDUCH” SCENE 

By, Toby Lieder

Some practical advise to all the people involved on the “shidduch” scene. Let me share with you what I have discovered from my own professional personal experiences as a shadchan, from interviewing 100s of singles on Skype, and from the 100s of conversations I had with singles and their parents, over the years. Here are some of the reasons, in my opinion only, why today things are so much harder in finding the right “shidduch”. Years ago, when a possible idea of a shidduch was presented, they would ask only a few very important questions about the possible candidate, covering these few subjects: * Yiras Shomayim * Generosity, Kindness * Personality * Home, Family environment * Future? Shlichus, Work Things were so much simpler. If someone qualified, then the parents with an idea would approach the single, and usually the single would agree to the idea, trusting the parents made all the necessary research etc. (This is speaking in general terms, majority of the way, things were done back in the days….) Come take a peak inside the work of a fulltime shadchan. (I do this, not only from 9-5, but through some nights as well, due to the time differences) Today, I have been trying to put together at least, say for example, 50 shidduchim. That means at least 100 interactions with both sides asking lots of questions. That means, Skype interviews for at least 1 hour each one. (By appointment) That means, whatsapp activity (on the spot answers) running most of the day, asking varying questions about each side. That means, Emails to read and answer. I aim to reply within 24 hours most of the time. That means, any time of the day there will be phone calls, messages and what not, to fit in between the action. That means, updating my database daily with new profiles and photos That means that 45 out of the 50 (just an example) which means most of them, will not work out. Most of the suggested ideas just blow away with the wind as a name gets suggested and investigated, and dismissed. That also means, that all your hard work with countless hours keeps going down the drain… From the 50 shidduchim being worked on only 5 will continue to date till about the 5th date and only 3 maybe will get engaged. What motivates me to continue doing it with such a small return success rate? 2 things Firstly, is knowing, even ‘one’ engagement is creating many many generations for the future! How rewarding to know that you have the zchus to be part of such a huge mitzvah Secondly, I have a passion to work with people to help them reach their goals and understand their vision, what’s important to them, and help them go for it! Now lets understand why today, shidduchim are so much harder then before. This is from my experiences only. It is not the facts. Only my observations. 1. We, Parents today are asking too many questions 2. We, Parents today are too judgmental, and not open minded enough to go beyond the borders, the limitations they set so rigidly for their kids. 3. We, Parents are requesting a photo of the possible candidate. Please tell me how many times we were actually deceived by the photo? Years ago nobody dared ask for a photo. If the person qualified, we knew it was up to the singles to see if there was attraction or not when they go out. Don’t we all know, from the good books, that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder? (And not the parents eyes?) (I had a supposedly popular) good frum chassidishe bochur look at a photo of a girl I sent him for a shidduch, by request, and he said, “ Sorry, not for me, I don’t feel anything”!!!!!!!!!! From the photo, he didn’t ‘feel’ anything, so he said “no thank you”. No wonder why! I was shocked! And how many times we, parents look at the photo and say “ no thank you, its not what were looking for she’s a bit too plump” Or he’s not that good looking like she expected….” And we actually forfeit all these good amazing shidduchim presented to them, for ridiculous self-centered reasons, in my opinion. Let the singles go out and find out for themself! They may find favor in the eyes of the possible candidate and not see anything wrong at all, when getting to know the awesome qualities this person possesses. 4. We, Parents are choosing what suits us; the parent’s name is at stake here, not necessarily considering the individual, if they are actually suitable. It’s about everything else surrounding the single. (I’ve heard parents say, “I cant see myself with that family, Or, “they are too nerdy, we need more classier” Or, “ His brother was on drugs so we don’t want to be involved with such people” Or, “ I heard one of the siblings went off the derech, We want to stick to aigeneh” Or, “His family moved around the country too often, something must be wrong.” And I’m not kidding. 5. Mothers! Fathers! Please let it go. If someone basically qualifies, (as in the olden days) the above 5 qualities are investigated, and generally it sounds like a possible candidate, please “LET IT GO” and let your child go out with the possible shidduch presented to them! This may be their bashert! Who knows what your holding back? 6. If the single you are hearing about for your child, somewhat complies to be a possible candidate; has Yiras Shomayim (which you will investigate and find out) and is a kind person, Go For It! 7. Dear parents, I am sorry to say, Maybe, it is us, we are holding back most of the shidduchim from happening. I know because I am there “In It”; I hear it, I see it, I experience it. 8. Parents, Can I advise you something? Maybe we can get ourself a good therapist or Mashpiah, that deals specifically with shidduchim, and is familiar with all this, and talk it out with the therapist/therapist, until we realize how most of the limitations we as parents are putting on our kids shidduchim, are related to “OUR OWN UNRESOLVED issues!”, Only maybe. (Maybe like a second chance to get it right this time!) or (mabe by getting the ‘perfect’ shidduch for our child , we look good) or (mabe there’s somebody ‘better’ that has more fringe benefits then the last one!) I know one thing for sure. I know, if we, as parents “let go”, And allow our kids to go out with someone that generally qualifies, (as in the above 5 qualities) We will definitely have happier kids that will have better chances of meeting more people that may allow them the chances they need to get the right shidduch! BOTTOM LINE Can we all decide together to ban the photo-sharing concept in shidduchim Can we be more accepting of people’s backgrounds? Can we all decide together to let go of our own insecurities, and consider our child’s future to be of paramount importance, top priority! Can we decide to give everyone that basically qualifies, the chance to find out for themselves, without our prior judgments? Can we filter and overlook all the Loshon Horah, and unnecessary slander (that is usually proven to be not true) about possible candidates, that may be blocking a possible shidduch Can we be Melamed Zchus a bit more often, and try and see the good in the person we are looking into. Every person comes with good and not so good. Nobody’s going to be perfect So, lets try n focus on the good qualities, a bit more then the ones that aren’t there! Can we please consider to be open to at least listen with dignity, patience, and respect as a name is being suggested to us? Can we remember to believe in Hashgocha Protis, that everything is from Hashem and Hashem does nothing by accident? Every dot is preplanned. The fact that a name came up to you, is meant to be, for some reason. What would YOU add?

Wow Story

One young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview.

The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" the youth answered "no."

"Was it your father who paid for your school fees?"

"My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.” he replied.

"Where did your mother work?"

"My mother worked as a clothes cleaner.”

The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.

"Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?"

"Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.

The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son.

The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. A tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched it.

This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fees. The bruises on the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his education, his school activities and his future.

After cleaning his mother's hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.

That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the director's office.

The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, when he asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"

The youth answered, "I cleaned my mother's hands, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes."

“I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, only now do I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done on your own. And I have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping one’s family.

The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life.”

“You are hired.”

This young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and worked as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

You can let your child live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch on a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing your child can learn is how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulties of life.