Dating. By Rabbi Manis Friedman

How to Date the Jewish Way: Don’t Marry a Man or a Woman. Marry a Husband or a Wife.

Are you looking for a man to marry?

I advise you not to.

You see, men don’t really make good husbands.

Men have opinions. And any man you marry will have his own set of wants and needs. He’ll have own plans. His own schtick. But you yourself already have your own opinions. Your own wants and needs. Your own schtick.

See the problem?

In other words, you’re asking for trouble. For a marriage to work, you need to find a husband. Not a man. And you need to be a wife. Not a woman. There is a profound difference.

Today, we’re inundated with unhealthy messages about relationships from the outside world. So much so that even the most pious of Jews can fall prey to foreign points of view. As a result, most of us wish to meet a man or a woman whom we like and then make this person our spouse. However, this is the product of assimilated thinking. It’s not Jewish.

The reason it doesn’t work is because you can’t take a “man” and turn him into a husband. Neither can you transform a “woman” into wife.

A marriage can only work when each partner is fully committed to the other. A man or a woman makes his or her own needs primary. ‘What’s in it for me?’ Therefore, since no two people can agree on everything, men and women clash. And when they don’t feel they are getting what each of them wanted, they separate.

But a husband or a wife makes the needs of his or her spouse primary. The focus is not on meeting selfish wants and needs. Rather, the goal of a husband and wife is to strengthen their bond through selfless acts of giving and devoted service to one another.

In the old days, people valued the duties and responsibilities that come with marriage. It was understood that a good marriage requires sacrifice. Today, this idea is far less intuitive for most people.

It’s time we regain our focus. You 

I Want A Boy Who Is Learning!

I want a boy who is LEARNING....

Learning from his mistakes....

Learning from the mistakes of others....

Learning how to give without expecting anything in return....

Learning how to forgive others for their shortcomings....

Learning how to find true אמת in a world brimming with שקר....

Learning how to take no for an answer....

Learning how to accept the will of השם when life gets stormy....

Learning how to utilize the tools השם gave him to become a better עבד השם ....

Learning how to find good in the frustrating nuances that happen throughout his day....

Learning how to grow and become A BETTER HIM.

I want a boy who is WORKING....

Working towards a greater goal....

Working on his מדות a little bit more each day....

Working on strengthening his relationships with his rebbeim....

Working on improving his relationships with his family and friends....

Working on deepening his connection to הקב"ה daily....

Working on giving life all he's got....

Working on thanking השם for all the little things in life....

Working on finding השגחת השם in everything that happens to him throughout his day....

Working to overcome his natural negative tendencies....

Working on bringing משיח a little bit closer every day....

Working on growing and becoming A BETTER HIM.

THIS is the person I want to marry.

Just learning? Only working?! Forget that idea! I want BOTH.

So Well Said..... I Want A Boy Who Is Learning...(author unknown)

Subject: I want a boy who is LEARNING..........

I want a boy who is LEARNING....

Learning from his mistakes....

Learning from the mistakes of others....

Learning how to give without expecting anything in return....

Learning how to forgive others for their shortcomings....

Learning how to find true emes in a world brimming with sheker....

Learning how to take no for an answer....

Learning how to accept the will of Hashem when life gets stormy....

Learning how to utilize the tools Hashem gave him to become a better eved Hashem....

Learning how to find good in the frustrating nuances that happen throughout his day....

Learning how to grow and become A BETTER HIM.

I want a boy who is WORKING....

Working towards a greater goal....

Working on his middos a little bit more each day....

Working on strengthening his relationships with his rebbeim....

Working on improving his relationships with his family and friends....

Working on deepening his connection to Hakadosh Baruch Hu daily....

Working on giving life all he's got....

Working on thanking Hashem for all the little things in life....

Working on finding hashgachat Hashem in everything that happens to him throughout his day....

Working to overcome his natural negative tendencies....

Working on bringing Mashiach a little bit closer every day....

Working on growing and becoming A BETTER HIM.THIS is the person I want to marry.

Just learning? Only working?! Forget that idea! I want BOTH.

Wow This Is Bashert!

A 25 year old yeshiva bachur was still not married. Usually, yeshiva bachurim get married at ages 22, 23, not older then that. So a 25 years old boy is considered old if he is not married by then. This boy went out with girls and after the first date, none of the girls wanted to continue going out with him. He had a scar on his cheek, that looked like a cut which

didn't look so good to the eye. He was an amazing boy, good middos, Yiras Shamayim, he was a really great boy. But every girl would go out with him on

a date, she would see his scar, and there would be no second date after that. Therefore, he got to the age of 25 and he was still not married. He goes to Rabbi  and he tells him "Kvod HaRav I don't know what to do. I want to get married. My friends are all married and I am still in yeshiva." And he told him that he thinks that it's because of his scar. 

Rav  told him "the next time you meet a girl, talk to her about your scar on the date and tell her the story about what caused you to have this scar". He didn't understand what difference it would make by him

telling his story since he knew that if the girl does not like his scar then it doesn't matter what caused it. One or two months passed by and a girl was

suggested to him. He looked into her, he hears that she is a very special girl with Yiras Shamayim, and exceptional middos. He asks what she looks

like and he is told that she looks good. This made him feel worried because he prefers that she is not going to be so good looking because he knew that

if she is really beautiful then she definitly won't be interested in him. So he thought to himself "maybe she doesn't look as good as people say, nobody

ever says about another person that she doesn't look good even if she is not so attractive." So he decided to go out with her. On the way to the date he

was very nervous. He was hoping that she wasn't so good looking. He was hoping that maybe something would come out of it. When he got there, he saw that not only did she look good, she looked stunning. She was gorgeous! He was very disappointed because he knew that a girl that looks like this would never want him. He went over to her and they started talking. He noticed her looking at his scar. As they were getting into a deeper conversation he saw how everything that he heard about her was really true. She had good middos,

Yiras Shamayim, she was truly a special girl. As hard as it was for him, he decided that since Rav Kanievsky told him that he should tell his story about his scar then he is going to do it. So he told her "I am sure you

realized the scar that I have on my cheek. Rav  told me to tell my story about this scar on the first date so I am going to tell it to you." He

told her that 5 years ago, when he was 20 years old, he came back from Yeshiva in Jerusalem. He was learning in Mir Yeshiva and when he left it was

late at night and it was very dark and deserted. All of a sudden he heard a young Jewish lady screaming. He saw an Arab man running after her and trying

to catch her. He immedietly caught the Arab man, and he held him back from hurting the lady. He screamed out for help and the neighbors came out of

their houses to see what is going on and the young lady was able to run away

before he did anything bad to her. He saved her, but before he himself could run away, the Arab man took out a knife and cut his face. He was taken to the hospital and he was healed. He told her that this is why he has this scar on his face until today. 

The girl lowered her eyes and when she lifted her eyes back again to look at him, he saw saw that she had tears in her eyes. She told him, "For years I

have been looking for the guy who saved me from that Arab man on that day".

They got married to each other and today they are happily married and they built a bayis ne'eman b'yisrael together. 

A person that is close to HaKadosh Baruch Hu, trusts in Him. You never know what Hashem plans for you and why he sends you certain challenges. You may not understand why it's taking so long for you to find your zivug and why it doesn't work out for you with anyone. But, whenever you find your zivug, everything will be clear to you.

Toby Lieder

Check out my Blog!

www.momof14.blogspot.comf

Hashem, The Master Shadchan

The Master Shadchan

The Gemara says מה' אשה לאיש, marriages are orchestrated by Hashem. In other areas of life, we are supposed to put in our full hishtadlut, and only then does Hashem bless our efforts. However, when it comes to shiduchim, the Vilna Gaon writes,'בזה יש לבטוח בה, we are to put total trust in Hashem. Rav Shlomo Zalman Aurbach explained this to mean that in shiduchim, the minimum amount of effort suffices. Contemporary Rabbis have said that it is enough to call a few shadchanim (matchmakers) and remind them periodically. In shiduchim, it is already obvious that Hashem is behind the scenes. We don't need to conceal the miracle by putting in extra effort. 

It's true, some people get married right away and for others it takes years; but that's all בהשגחה (Divine Providence). People who are older and single should not feel guilty that they are not married. They shouldn't be upset at other people for not helping them enough, because מה' אשה לאיש. When the time comes for a person to get married, Hashem makes it happen. 

Sometimes a person was told that a shiduch wouldn't be a good match for him and then months later, when it's already too late, others tell him, "that girl would have been perfect for you." He shouldn't feel bad at all. Hashem arranged it that he should ask the one who was going to advise him against it, because that girl wasn't for him. Hashem gives a person the messages he needs to hear in order to say yes to the one he's supposed to marry and the messages he needs to hear to say no to the one he's not supposed to marry. When a shiduch is meant to be, the Master Shadchan ensures that it reaches fruition.

It was time for the Chidushei Harim to find a suitable match for his daughter. The first boy that was suggested knew that the Rabbi was going to test him on the Gemara he was learning. He had a long journey to travel to the Rabbi's city so he brought along his Gemara to review. On the road, the Gemara fell into a mud puddle and was ruined. Only one page remained in his hand- a page from the middle of the fourth chapter. 

The boy said גם זו לטובה (it's for the best). Left with no other choice, he spent the entire trip reviewing that one page. When he finally arrived at the Rabbi's house, the Rabbi asked him which masechet he was learning, he responded, Baba Metzia. The Rabbi said to himself, "I'm not going to ask him questions from the beginning. I'm going to ask him questions from somewhere in the middle." The piece he chose was the exact one the boy just reviewed. Baba Metzia has 119 pages. Hashem made it that he review the one page he was going to be tested on. That was a clear hashgachat peratit. The Rabbi was very impressed with the boy, and he became his son-in-law. This boy was actually not one of the top boys in the yeshiva. If the Rabbi had known more about him, he might not have chosen him as his son-in-law. But Hashem wanted this shiduch, so He worked it out perfectly.

We have no idea why some people have to wait a long time and others don't. We don't know why some people have to go through many rejections before they get married, or why some people have to get their hopes up and are then let down. We do know, there is a very good reason for every situation and Hashem is behind it all. He knows what we're going through. He feels our pain. But, He always does what's best. The greatest hishtadlut we can do in shiduchim is tefila, because Hashem is the only One with a say, and He loves hearing from us.

Why I Wont Marry You

What’s the greatest deal breaker when it comes to seeking a partner?

According to the Wall Street Journal, the biggest turn off for both women and men was “disheveled or unclean” followed closely by “lazy” and “too needy.”

A recent series of studies cited in the WSJ opens our eyes to what is happening in the minds of men and women as they contemplate possible relationships. People give more consideration to what’s wrong in a partner than to what is right. Granting more weight to deal breakers pushes people away from focusing on the positive qualities that they are hoping to find in a person.

Here is a list of other top deal breakers: no sense of humor, lacks confidence, talks too much or too little, and watches too much t.v./videogames. Women had more nonstarters and a sense of humor was more crucial. Men found “talks too much” to be a deal breaker and they preferred not to date a woman smarter than they are.

Where Do We Draw The Line?

How do you know if you’re being overly picky or not picky enough? Many singles are faced with these questions.

Of course we need to feel attraction. Relationships cannot be built while feeling repulsed. But I wonder how many singles are zeroing in on a negative, feeling overwhelmed, and not allowing themselves to see the positive in a future partner. This nature of directing our gaze to that which bothers us often blurs our vision. A wonderful person is struck from the list because we were not able to look past the way he dresses or how she does her hair. While people can update their clothing and redo their hair style, it is much more difficult to reshape character.

It is necessary to think about what really matters in life. What kind of person is this? What have you learned about his temper, his patience, her compassion and ability to listen when you speak? Is he able to turn off his iPhone and make time for you? Are they kind or judgmental to the people in their lives? Can they commit and be trusted when they take on a job or responsibility?

For husbands and wives reading this article, it is important to recognize that we, too, can get stuck on negatives like ‘a few extra pounds’ or ‘balding’ as years pass. Forgetting the positive qualities that brought us to love in the first place removes the appreciation we thought we would forever hold sacred within our hearts. Instead, we gripe, even look down with disdain, at our partners. The path to taking each other for granted is now cultivated. We begin to grow apart.

What Can You Do?

Those seeking a relationship should take notice of the little things that may be preventing them from creating a lasting relationship. Too many of these ‘deal breakers’ are ridiculously easy to remedy. There is no reason to go out being disheveled and unclean. Poor hygiene, stained clothing, and looking outdated can easily be focused on and fixed. Constantly checking your phone or sitting with a computer game instead of sharing thoughts does not nourish seeds of companionship that make romance grow. Why impede yourself from discovering your life partner because of lack of attention to how you present to others?

The same goes for husbands and wives. As years pass we begin to let ourselves go. Getting dressed up only for others, being personable for company, engaging friends while ignoring our partners are signs that we have begun to disconnect. Spouses need to feel that they are priority. Take a few moments and put yourself together. Brush your hair. Smile. Don’t lose your sense of humor. Get rid of the shabby and stained clothing you wear only in the house. Get off your laptop while speaking. We give messages of love by showing that we are interested in being here and that we want to give our best to our partners.

A Bunch of Zeroes

When asked “What are you looking for?” many people would give the same basic reply: “Good looking, very successful, smart, super sense of humor, loves to travel, and athletic.” My mother, Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, would give the following advice:

“You have your list of six things you are looking for. Think of it as a bunch of zeroes. Now in front of those zeroes if you add a 1 you’ve got yourself 1,000,000. What’s the 1? It’s character. Kindness. Sensitivity. Good-heartedness. Without that, all you’re left with is a bunch of zeroes that equal nothing in life. After a while, a cruel person doesn’t look attractive to you, their sense of humor hurts you, their success breeds arrogance, you don’t care to travel with them because you feel miserable and so what that they’re athletic? Bottom line is good character. That’s number 1.”

Character is the deal breaker.

Let’s keep this in mind while looking for our soul mate. And if you are blessed to have found your match, be sure to take the time and revisit the goodness that brought you together in the first place. Your love is priceless.

Published: November 14, 2015

Skype Interviews Now Taking Appointments

Shidduch Interviews Now On Skype

You can now be interviewed on Skype for a Shidduch!

Mrs Toby Lieder will book you an appointment to discuss with you what your 5 majors are and put you into her database and help you find a Shidduch!

For appointment 

Email to; Toby.lieder@gmail.com

Shidduch Checklist! By Toby Lieder

Shidduch Check List

Here is a list of possible choices to look at, in order to help you 'PRIORITIZE' your VALUES. To help you select what YOU personally desire, and hold way up high as a priority, hopefully to be found in your partner so you get the best possible, loving, understanding, warm, and peaceful, relationship! Remember you can’t get 'em all!! Here's the 5 million dollar question: Ask yourself this question after completing your 5 majors list: 

"Am 'I' the kinda person I'd like to meet?"

1. EMOTIONALLY STABLE:  

Are they well balanced? Do they have a lot of emotional luggage? What was their upbringing like? What sort of a mother did they have? What sort of a role model was their father? Was there sholom bayis in their home? Were they brought up very narrow mindedly, or open minded? Are they in touch with their feelings? Can they 'express' themselves, to others? 

2. HONESTY AND SINCERITY:  

Are they sincere? Are they straightforward and honest. Or is there a hidden agenda, and you don't really know their intentions? Are they for REAL? Some people, do things, so others should take notice... others do it, L'SHAIM shomayim!, Lshma.  

3.SHLICHUS:  

Are they interested to go out on shlichus? Do they intend to 100% and see it as their potential future? Or is shlichus a possibility, if they happen to find the right opportunity? How important is going out and dedicating their life, totally to others', say like on shlichus, which involves, a lot of 'self sacrifice'. They may not be home a lot because of the shlichus. Where do they want to see themselves in the future?  

4. SENSE OF HUMOR:  

Are they more serious, or more chilled about life. Some people have a great sense of humor, and can laugh off problems, they tend to see the humor in everything, which gives a 'lift' to the seriousness that life holds for us. Others, take everything so seriously, sometimes too much. Does this person carry a 'healthy' sense of humor? 

5. TEMPERMENT:  

What is this person's temper like? Do they keep it all in? Do they talk things out? Do they have panic attacks? Do they 'blow up' at everything? How easily do they loose their temper? AND WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY 'LOOSE IT'?  Are they able to say " nisht g'ferlach" easily? Or, "it’s all meant to be for the good?" Can you see yourself living with someone that blows their lid quite easily, quite often? Do you mind a screamer?  

6. GROWING:  

Is this person one that enjoys a good book? Do they get excited when they hear a new 'vort'? Do they look at making hachlotos, every now and then, because they are constantly on the 'growth'. They are never satisfied with where they're at, they are eager to 'be more', or get 'better at'...I mean spiritually, as well as emotionally. Are they fixed in their ways, or open to change?  

7. RESPECT:  

Does this person respect everyone equally? Are they continually putting people into 'boxes', or 'labelling' them, discriminating people as a habit? Or are they Melamed Zechus, people, and situations, easily, without jumping to conclusions? You know those kinda people that will shake hands with 'anybody'? Or not discriminate who they bring home for lunch. Do they carry a sense of respect for goyim as well? Like in shops, etc.? Do they respect little kids, or just walk away when a kid is crying?  

8. OPENMINDED:  

Is this person more or less open minded, or stuck in their own ways. I mean really, FLEXIBLE. Are they ableto see another person's point of view? Are they stubborn, to insist on only their point of view? Is this person peace-oriented? Are they able to easily say, "Lets agree to disagree"?  

9. LEARNING:  

Is this person studious? Do they learn for the sake of getting by, or have a true interest in their studies? Do they pick up a book to further their interests in knowledge, or have an interest in local shiurim, or inspiring talks, farbrengens?  

10. STREET SMART:  

Are they equipped with a good sense of 'common sense' (which is not so common!)?  How street smart are they?  

11. POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE MINDED:  

Some people always see the good in every situation. They say "its hashgocha protis", or "big deal", a lot of the time. They are able to let go of things and see the positive in all or most situations. What type is this person?  Do they 'kvetch' all the time? Is everything 'hard' for them to do? Do they take risks? Do they complain about everything and everyone? 

12. CHASSIDISHKIET, YIDDISHKIET:  

What is their 'yiddishkiet' like? How do they behave, inwards and outwards? How does 'chassidishkiet' play a role in their life? What is their connection to the Rebbe? How serious do they follow the Rebbe? How much do they make the Rebbe part of their lives? Do they have Yiras Shomayim?  

13. PERSONALITY:  

Do they have a 'spark', a creative side to their personality? Are they quiet and reserved, too hard to 'get into'? Are they lively and full of life? Are they more serious, but have a tremendous amount of 'toichen'? What type of personality do they have? Are they a more sociable type, or rather stay at home type? Introvert, or extrovert?  

14. CHARACTER:  

Are they kind, by nature? Are they soft and gentle? Are they generous? Are they the type that looks how to help others, or are they more 'self centered'? Are they 'sensitive' to other people’s needs or do they 'pretend' they didn't 'notice' it?  Do they have a generous nature or a more stingy nature?  

15. RESPONSIBLE:  

Can you give them tasks to perform, and know that it'll get done? Are they dependable? Would you entrust this person with major responsibilities? Do they keep to 'seder' well? What successful projects have they done & were responsible for?  

16. ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:  

Are they 'sloppy'? Are they neat ‘n tidy? Can they set up a home? Run a business? Can they organize events? Are they a leader or a follower? Do they make things happen or watch things happen? Or don’t even know that something happened?  

17. FAMILY ORIENTED:  

Does this person come from a secure, well-balanced, family-oriented, warm environment? Do they love family-stuff? Like, is family important to them? Do they talk much about their family? What is their relationship with their 'mother'? Do they speak highly of her? What about the father? How do they respect him? What size family would they want if given a choice? Large or small? Are they a 'stay at home parent' or more of a “go getter”?  

18. NATURE:  

Are they the relaxed type by nature, or always on the go, type? Can they sit back, relax and spend time with little kids and enjoy their company? Or do they get nervous around kids? Are they a 'good listener'? Are they really listening to you when you talk? Do they have patience to hear you out, or are they too busy, or looking at their watch?  

19. QUALITY:  

Do they go for a higher, good quality life? Or are they very happy living with the bare minimum? How do they dress? Are they 'baalabatish? Or didn’t-look-in-the- mirror type?  

20. CONFIDENCE:  

Do they have a good sense of self-esteem? What is their confidence like? Are they always worried that what they do is not good enough? Do they set goals, and carry them out? Do they believe in themselves, or put themselves down? Are they shy and reserved? Can they talk to anyone about anything?  

21. HEALTH:  

What is their family's state of health? Is there anything we should be aware of? For the sake of all parties involved, is there anything that you heard that would be important for us to know?  

23. PUT- TOGETHER:  

Is this person, a self-disciplined type? Are they put-together, they know where they're going, they don't just go with the flow? Do they carry a good sense of 'purpose' with them each day. Are they the type that would not “waste” a moment? There are others, that take life as it hits them...take it easy type, like, no particular agenda.  

24. MASHPIAH:  

Are they the type that people would look up to for advise? Or do they shy away, from being asked their opinion? Would they 'have' a mashpiah? Or do they have too much of an ego to ask for advice? What position do you see them in?  

25. SPARE TIME, HOBBIES:  

What do they do when they have some

All Marriages Are Made In Heaven.

All Marriages are Made in Heaven

The 5 majors

By, Toby Lieder

Hashem organized your shidduch a long long time ago, before you were even born. So the 'other half' is there! And Hashem has His wondrous ways. But I believe that we have to give a finger in order for Him to give us a hand. We have to do our part. We have to make a vessel, for Hashem's blessings to come alive. We all get there at the end. Everyone has their journey. Thank G-d for yours. So this journey I am taking you on, is just a collection of my personal experiences over the years in my encounters with helping people find their 'basherte'.  

To the young men and women going out on the SHIDDDUCH SCENE, and to all of us parents of these young innocent boys and girls, I suggest the following ideas, as merely suggestions, that can possibly help make the journey a lot more pleasant. Firstly, take the time to think. Think aloud, with a close friend, mashpiah, or parent. Think of ALL the qualities you would love to have in your soul mate. Write them all down. We call this 'brainstorming'. Afterwards, select from the list of 45 qualities, only a few, (say 5 non-negotiable) that are of most importance to YOU. To 'you', as a person, not what's most important for your friends or parents to be proud of, but what "YOU" consider 'most' important. 

Once you have figured out what you feel are the most desired 45 qualities, then ask yourself if you are able to possibly compromise on any of these 45 qualities. You will actually start to eliminate one at a time, as you can see clearly what is possible to let go, and what you absolutely cannot live without. This is simply a guide to enable you to THINK. It is meant for you to think of what qualities may be most important to you. What you value most.

As you read through the suggestions, have in mind the next time you are going out on a date, to look out for YOUR MOST IMPORTANT 5 MAJORS.  

One of the ways, you can 'check' it out, is by talking about those qualities in discussion, through examples or stories, and listen out for the other one's REACTION. Listen out for cues,  are they yawning or turning in different directions, or are they actively involved in your conversation! If something is SO VERY IMPORTANT to you, and as you talk about it, the other one is enthusiastically involved, and even building on the subject, and there are good 'vibes' throughout the conversations, there is a mutual excitement on this subject, then you know you are talking the same language, you are onto something good. But if there is any STATIC whatsoever when you relate what is so important to you, and there is constant interference, like opposing point of views, yawning, or looking at their watch, be careful, that we are now talking about what is dearest to your heart, so it is up to you to decide if you want to live with somebody that has opposing point of views, or is not so interested about those things dearest to you!  

See my point? Dreams can be shattered by misunderstandings, or simple communication breakdown. It is usually EXPECTATIONS, that break up the sholom bayis. He expected this and that, she expected him to be or do, this 'n that. "Did you guys talk about these issues before, or merely 'expected' them to happen?!!!

What Makes Love Last?

Pay Attention To The Small Stuff!

What Makes Love Last?

Well, gather 'round all you romancers because all it takes is a particular show of kindness.

It goes like this. Say you look out your window one evening and see a huge full moon bobbing just above the horizon. Flushed with wonder, you turn to your partner and say "hey sweet cheeks! Isn't the moon beautiful tonight?" This, is a "bid" – a request for a response that will hopefully lead to a small connection between the two of you – an understanding that, on this particular topic, you share the same worldview.

Your partner now has a choice to make – they can look up and say "wow! It is beautiful!" or something similarly agreeable. 

Or, they can keep eye contact with their computer device and mutter "mm hmm", or worse, remain silent. That would be called "turning away". It seems mundane and insignificant, right? I mean, it's just a moon! But according to an article examining the study, the consequences are far-reaching.

"Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had "turn-toward bids" 33 per cent of the time. The couples who were still together after six years had "turn-toward bids" 87 per cent of the time."

You don't have to be Dr Phil to understand that when your bids for connection go consistently unmet, you stop trying. "People who give their partner the cold shoulder – deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally… not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers."

Yeah. Death.

The hardest time to turn toward a bid is when you're stressed or fighting. But it's during these times that it's especially important to do exactly that. By extending yourself, you're flexing the muscle of kindness – and kindness is the major predictor of a long-lasting relationship.

But that's not all. The other predictor of a long lasting union? Sharing joy. No, not laughing over a Parks and Recreation marathon or high fiving after a challenging hike, but the joy you share over each other's triumphs. Like a new job. A promotion. A compliment. 50 per cent off that dress. In fact, it's more important to be supportive during the good times than the bad.

But there are other interesting conclusions to take from this. The first is that women are – in the main – often told not to expect too much in these areas from their male partners. A book called The Five Love Languages, written by a conservative Minister and championed by other well-meaning conservatives and marriage prep courses, posits that men often communicate their love in different (non-verbal) ways – they'll mow the lawn, fix your computer, or pay for dinner to express their ardour. As long as you don't take it personally and don't draw them into an intimate conversation, you should be able to enjoy marriage. Because men are inherently bad at listening;  they're not as good as women at multi-tasking. And, look, while focusing on a spouse's intentions goes a long way toward sustaining a relationship, if ordinary kindness – in the form of direct communication – is not built in, those other gestures can fall on fallow ground.

The second conclusion, dear Love Birds, can be extrapolated from the first. Ladies everywhere don't just believe these baseless myths – they actively relate to the idea that the only thing ruining their relationship is asking for too much intimacy from that guy who likes fixing stuff, not talking about it. The message is clear – expect less and do more.

They have found that those small things that, traditionally, girlfriends and wives get upset about, are not a manifestation of pettiness or high maintenance or "nagging". But, rather, a set of mandatory skills required for not just a long-lasting marriage, but for every other relationship, (including friendship and parenthood) to be successful too.

Pay attention to the small stuff!

How To Tell If Your On The Same Page Shidduchim

Amazing Article On Shlichus!

http://hevria.com/rochel/why-no-one-should-go-on-shlichus/

Body Language 2 Min Clip

Choosing The 5 Majors! 1 Min. Video Clip

Whats Really Important In A Shidduch!

A man came to ask s Rabbi about boy in the yeshivah for his daughter who had reached marriageable age. He arrived at the yeshivah and entered the rosh yeshivah’s home during the break between learning sessions.

R’ Shmuel greeted him cordially and asked why he had come. He explained to the rosh yeshivah that he was inquiring about a particular boy. R’ Shmuel told him to ask him what was on his mind.
The man had many questions. First, he wanted to know how many hours a day the bachur learned. Was he punctual in arriving to seder and did he spend his time diligently? Did he come to davening on time and did he actively participate in the shiur? Did he ask relevant questions and understand the answers?
R’ Shmuel knew the boy well and was able to answer every question satisfactorily. After receiving a favorable report in regard to his questions, the man thanked R’ Shmuel for his time and got up to leave. At this point, R’ Shmuel, in his gentle and noble way, turned to the father and said, “You’ve asked me a number of questions. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions, too?” Of course, the man agreed.
R’ Shmuel looked at the man and said, “It seems to me that you are inquiring about the boy for your daughter and you seem happy with the report I gave you. You obviously think that all your daughter needs to know is whether he comes on time and if he is a lamdan.” The man nodded his head in agreement.
“But did it ever occur to you,” asked R’ Shmuel, “that your daughter might want to know if this boy is a mentsch? If he is a ba’al chessed?”
R’ Shmuel continued, “It would seem fitting that you should ask me: How often does he brush his teeth? How does he behave in the company of others? Does he arrive first in the dining room and take the biggest portion, or does he linger after Minchah for a few minutes to learn more and then eat whatever portion is left when he gets to the dining room?”
The man started to interject, but R’ Shmuel continued speaking. “I’m sure your daughter would be curious to know what he does when the pitcher on the table is empty. Does he wait for someone else to fill it up or does he run to fill it himself? Does he ever go into the kitchen to thank the staff for preparing the food? Does he eat the food even if he doesn’t care for it, or does he just go to the nearby kiosk to buy something he likes?
“You came to the conclusion that he is a masmid; did you ask what he does when he finishes learning late at night and his roommates are sleeping? Does he take off his shoes and tiptoe in so as not to wake them, or does he walk in noisily? Does he make his bed and keep his things neat? Does he think about others and want to do chessed for them, or does he just think about himself?” R’ Shmuel concluded, “I think that you need to check these things out. If he arrives home in the afternoon and does not like the food your daughter worked hard to prepare, will his face reflect obvious dissatisfaction? Will your daughter then be happy that her father checked this boy out with the rosh yeshivah who told him that he knows every Ketzosand Rabi Akiva Eiger? Will she say, ‘It’s true that he has no manners and no social skills, but I respect him anyway because he knows the sugya of the bees and the mustard in Bava Basra’?”
The man hung his head in shame, realizing his oversight. He understood R’ Shmuel’s message and now knew the proper approach to finding a shidduch for a bas Yisrael. It is important for a bachur to be diligent, but one must also remember that nothing in this world, and certainly no marriage, can exist without chessed.

Chazal tell us that Noach used a “secret weapon” with which he was able to rebuild the world after the destruction of the Flood: Olam chessed yibaneh—“the world will be built upon kindness” (Tehillim 89:3).
Rav Mordechai Gifter zt”l explains that Noach was locked inside a floating ark for 120 days with nothing to do butchessed for his family and for the animals. This was all for the sole purpose of entrenching the ideal of chessed into his very being so that when it would be time to come out and start the world over again, he would do so with the attribute of kindness. This was, and continues to be, the only way the world can exist.

Marriage Box

The 5 Majors By Toby Lieder

All     Marriages are Made in Heaven

Hashem organized your shidduch a long long time ago, before you were even born. So the 'other half' is there! And Hashem has His wondrous ways. But I believe that we have to give a finger in order for Him to give us a hand. We have to do our part. We have to make a vessel, for Hashem's blessings to come alive. We all get there at the end. Everyone has their journey. Thank G-d for yours. So this journey I am taking you on, is just a collection of my personal experiences over the years in my encounters with helping people find their 'basherte'.  

To the young men and women going out on the SHIDDDUCH SCENE, and to all of us parents of these young innocent boys and girls, I suggest the following ideas, as merely suggestions, that can possibly help make the journey a lot more pleasant. Firstly, take the time to think. Think aloud, with a close friend, mashpiah, or parent. Think of ALL the qualities you would love to have in your soul mate. Write them all down. We call this 'brainstorming'. Afterwards, select from the list of 45 qualities, only a few, (say 5 non-negotiable) that are of most importance to YOU. To 'you', as a person, not what's most important for your friends or parents to be proud of, but what "YOU" consider 'most' important. 

Once you have figured out what you feel are the most desired 45 qualities, then ask yourself if you are able to possibly compromise on any of these 45 qualities. You will actually start to eliminate one at a time, as you can see clearly what is possible to let go, and what you absolutely cannot live without. This is simply a guide to enable you to THINK. It is meant for you to think of what qualities may be most important to you. What you value most.

As you read through the suggestions, have in mind the next time you are going out on a date, to look out for YOUR MOST IMPORTANT 5 MAJORS.  

One of the ways, you can 'check' it out, is by talking about those qualities in discussion, through examples or stories, and listen out for the other one's REACTION. Listen out for cues,  are they yawning or turning in different directions, or are they actively involved in your conversation! If something is SO VERY IMPORTANT to you, and as you talk about it, the other one is enthusiastically involved, and even building on the subject, and there are good 'vibes' throughout the conversations, there is a mutual excitement on this subject, then you know you are talking the same language, you are onto something good. But if there is any STATIC whatsoever when you relate what is so important to you, and there is constant interference, like opposing point of views, yawning, or looking at their watch, be careful, that we are now talking about what is dearest to your heart, so it is up to you to decide if you want to live with somebody that has opposing point of views, or is not so interested about those things dearest to you!  

See my point? Dreams can be shattered by misunderstandings, or simple communication breakdown. It is usually EXPECTATIONS, that break up the sholom bayis. He expected this and that, she expected him to be or do, this 'n that. "Did you guys talk about these issues before, or merely 'expected' them to happen?!!!  

Shidduch Checklist

Shidduch Check List

Here is a list of possible choices to look at, in order to help you 'PRIORITIZE' your VALUES. To help you select what YOU personally desire, and hold way up high as a priority, hopefully to be found in your partner so you get the best possible, loving, understanding, warm, and peaceful, relationship! Remember you can’t get 'em all!! Here's the 5 million dollar question: Ask yourself this question after completing your 5 majors list: 

"Am 'I' the kinda person I'd like to meet?"

1. EMOTIONALLY STABLE:  
Are they well balanced? Do they have a lot of emotional luggage? What was their upbringing like? What sort of a mother did they have? What sort of a role model was their father? Was there sholom bayis in their home? Were they brought up very narrow mindedly, or open minded? Are they in touch with their feelings? Can they 'express' themselves, to others? 

2. HONESTY AND SINCERITY:  
Are they sincere? Are they straightforward and honest. Or is there a hidden agenda, and you don't really know their intentions? Are they for REAL? Some people, do things, so others should take notice... others do it, L'SHAIM shomayim!, Lshma.  

3.SHLICHUS:  
Are they interested to go out on shlichus? Do they intend to 100% and see it as their potential future? Or is shlichus a possibility, if they happen to find the right opportunity? How important is going out and dedicating their life, totally to others', say like on shlichus, which involves, a lot of 'self sacrifice'. They may not be home a lot because of the shlichus. Where do they want to see themselves in the future?  

4. SENSE OF HUMOR:  
Are they more serious, or more chilled about life. Some people have a great sense of humor, and can laugh off problems, they tend to see the humor in everything, which gives a 'lift' to the seriousness that life holds for us. Others, take everything so seriously, sometimes too much. Does this person carry a 'healthy' sense of humor? 

5. TEMPERMENT:  
What is this person's temper like? Do they keep it all in? Do they talk things out? Do they have panic attacks? Do they 'blow up' at everything? How easily do they loose their temper? AND WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY 'LOOSE IT'?  Are they able to say " nisht g'ferlach" easily? Or, "it’s all meant to be for the good?" Can you see yourself living with someone that blows their lid quite easily, quite often? Do you mind a screamer?  

6. GROWING:  
Is this person one that enjoys a good book? Do they get excited when they hear a new 'vort'? Do they look at making hachlotos, every now and then, because they are constantly on the 'growth'. They are never satisfied with where they're at, they are eager to 'be more', or get 'better at'...I mean spiritually, as well as emotionally. Are they fixed in their ways, or open to change?  

7. RESPECT:  
Does this person respect everyone equally? Are they continually putting people into 'boxes', or 'labelling' them, discriminating people as a habit? Or are they Melamed Zechus, people, and situations, easily, without jumping to conclusions? You know those kinda people that will shake hands with 'anybody'? Or not discriminate who they bring home for lunch. Do they carry a sense of respect for goyim as well? Like in shops, etc.? Do they respect little kids, or just walk away when a kid is crying?  

8. OPENMINDED:  
Is this person more or less open minded, or stuck in their own ways. I mean really, FLEXIBLE. Are they ableto see another person's point of view? Are they stubborn, to insist on only their point of view? Is this person peace-oriented? Are they able to easily say, "Lets agree to disagree"?  

9. LEARNING:  
Is this person studious? Do they learn for the sake of getting by, or have a true interest in their studies? Do they pick up a book to further their interests in knowledge, or have an interest in local shiurim, or inspiring talks, farbrengens?  

10. STREET SMART:  
Are they equipped with a good sense of 'common sense' (which is not so common!)?  How street smart are they?  

11. POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE MINDED:  
Some people always see the good in every situation. They say "its hashgocha protis", or "big deal", a lot of the time. They are able to let go of things and see the positive in all or most situations. What type is this person?  Do they 'kvetch' all the time? Is everything 'hard' for them to do? Do they take risks? Do they complain about everything and everyone? 

12. CHASSIDISHKIET, YIDDISHKIET:  
What is their 'yiddishkiet' like? How do they behave, inwards and outwards? How does 'chassidishkiet' play a role in their life? What is their connection to the Rebbe? How serious do they follow the Rebbe? How much do they make the Rebbe part of their lives? Do they have Yiras Shomayim?  

13. PERSONALITY:  
Do they have a 'spark', a creative side to their personality? Are they quiet and reserved, too hard to 'get into'? Are they lively and full of life? Are they more serious, but have a tremendous amount of 'toichen'? What type of personality do they have? Are they a more sociable type, or rather stay at home type? Introvert, or extrovert?  

14. CHARACTER:  
Are they kind, by nature? Are they soft and gentle? Are they generous? Are they the type that looks how to help others, or are they more 'self centered'? Are they 'sensitive' to other people’s needs or do they 'pretend' they didn't 'notice' it?  Do they have a generous nature or a more stingy nature?  

15. RESPONSIBLE:  
Can you give them tasks to perform, and know that it'll get done? Are they dependable? Would you entrust this person with major responsibilities? Do they keep to 'seder' well? What successful projects have they done & were responsible for?  

16. ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:  
Are they 'sloppy'? Are they neat ‘n tidy? Can they set up a home? Run a business? Can they organize events? Are they a leader or a follower? Do they make things happen or watch things happen? Or don’t even know that something happened?  

17. FAMILY ORIENTED:  
Does this person come from a secure, well-balanced, family-oriented, warm environment? Do they love family-stuff? Like, is family important to them? Do they talk much about their family? What is their relationship with their 'mother'? Do they speak highly of her? What about the father? How do they respect him? What size family would they want if given a choice? Large or small? Are they a 'stay at home parent' or more of a “go getter”?  

18. NATURE:  
Are they the relaxed type by nature, or always on the go, type? Can they sit back, relax and spend time with little kids and enjoy their company? Or do they get nervous around kids? Are they a 'good listener'? Are they really listening to you when you talk? Do they have patience to hear you out, or are they too busy, or looking at their watch?  

19. QUALITY:  
Do they go for a higher, good quality life? Or are they very happy living with the bare minimum? How do they dress? Are they 'baalabatish? Or didn’t-look-in-the- mirror type?  

20. CONFIDENCE:  
Do they have a good sense of self-esteem? What is their confidence like? Are they always worried that what they do is not good enough? Do they set goals, and carry them out? Do they believe in themselves, or put themselves down? Are they shy and reserved? Can they talk to anyone about anything?  

21. HEALTH:  
What is their family's state of health? Is there anything we should be aware of? For the sake of all parties involved, is there anything that you heard that would be important for us to know?  

23. PUT- TOGETHER:  
Is this person, a self-disciplined type? Are they put-together, they know where they're going, they don't just go with the flow? Do they carry a good sense of 'purpose' with them each day. Are they the type that would not “waste” a moment? There are others, that take life as it hits them...take it easy type, like, no particular agenda.  

24. MASHPIAH:  
Are they the type that people would look up to for advise? Or do they shy away, from being asked their opinion? Would they 'have' a mashpiah? Or do they have too much of an ego to ask for advice? What position do you see them in?  

25. SPARE TIME, HOBBIES:  
What do they do when they have some 'spare' time? 
Who do they hang out with, when they want to just, hang around? Where do they go to socialize? What are their talents and interests? When they make time for leisure or vacations, what is their sense of a good vacation?  

26. STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:  
What would you say are their strengths and weaknesses? Everybody has both, otherwise we'd all be angels! So what are theirs? Like if they had to make a hachlota what would they improve on? What are they best at? What shines the most, when you think of this person?  

27. LAST BUT NOT LEAST:  
Remember that nobody has it all. So if you had to choose 5 most important qualities that this person stands out for, what would they be?

 Wishing you ALL Chag Sameach!

Good Stuff. What Is Love

https://www.facebook.com/ariel.babadzhanov/videos/1501797833408772/

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How to Create Chemistry