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The tiny thing that predicts the success of any relationship

The tiny thing that predicts the success of any relationship

Natalie Reilly

"All it takes is a particular show of kindness.

Psychologist John Gottman, the renowned relationship expert who became famous because he could discern in less than an hour if newlyweds would make it, has recently published another study– this time, with his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman. And, it contains the answer to the question of the ages: what makes love last?

Well, gather 'round all you romancers because all it takes is a particular show of kindness and I'm not talking about the show you might receive via text from that guy you swiped on Tinder.

It goes like this. Say you look out your window one evening and see a huge full moon bobbing just above the horizon. Flushed with wonder, you turn to your partner and say "hey sweet cheeks! Isn't the moon beautiful tonight?" This, according to Gottman, is a "bid" – a request for a response that will hopefully lead to a small connection between the two of you – an understanding that, on this particular topic, you share the same worldview.

Your partner now has a choice to make – they can look up and say "wow! It is beautiful!" or something similarly agreeable. The Gottmans call this a "turning toward". (Seasoned improvisational artists like Tina Fey call it the part where you say "yes, and …" to keep a scene moving.)

Or, they can keep eye contact with their computer device and mutter "mm hmm", or worse, remain silent. That would be called "turning away". It seems mundane and insignificant, right? I mean, it's just a moon! But according to an article examining the study, the consequences are far-reaching.

"Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had "turn-toward bids" 33 per cent of the time. The couples who were still together after six years had "turn-toward bids" 87 per cent of the time."

You don't have to be Dr Phil to understand that when your bids for connection go consistently unmet, you stop trying. The article put it this way: "People who give their partner the cold shoulder – deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally… not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers."

Yeah. Death.

The Gottmans go on to explain that the hardest time to turn toward a bid is when you're stressed or fighting. But it's during these times that it's especially important to do exactly that. By extending yourself, you're flexing the muscle of kindness – and kindness is the major predictor of a long-lasting relationship.

But that's not all. The other predictor of a long lasting union? Sharing joy. No, not laughing over a Parks and Recreation marathon or high fiving after a challenging hike, but the joy you share over each other's triumphs. Like a new job. A promotion. A compliment. 50 per cent off that dress. In fact, it's more important to be supportive during the good times than the bad.

But there are other interesting conclusions to take from this. The first is that women are – in the main – often told not to expect too much in these areas from their male partners. A book called The Five Love Languages, written by a conservative Minister and championed by other well-meaning conservativesand marriage prep courses, posits that men often communicate their love in different (non-verbal) ways – they'll mow the lawn, fix your computer, or pay for dinner to express their ardour. As long as you don't take it personally and don't draw them into an intimate conversation, you should be able to enjoy marriage. Because men are inherently bad at listening;  they're not as good as women at multi-tasking. And, look, while focusing on a spouse's intentions goes a long way toward sustaining a relationship, according to the Gottmans if ordinary kindness – in the form of direct communication – is not built in, those other gestures can fall on fallow ground.

The second conclusion, dear Love Birds, can be extrapolated from the first. Ladies everywhere don't just believe these baseless myths – they actively relate to the idea that the only thing ruining their relationship is asking for too much intimacy from that guy who likes fixing stuff, not talking about it – geeeze! The message is clear – expect less and do more.

But the Gottmans don't talk about gender – they don't need to. The Gottmans based their findings on over four decades of scientific research. They have found that those small things that, traditionally, girlfriends and wives get upset about, are not a manifestation of pettiness or high maintenance or "nagging". But, rather, a set of mandatory skills required for not just a long-lasting marriage, but for every other relationship, (including friendship and parenthood) to be successful too.

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ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN? FIND OUT. TAKE THE TEST!!! LOL

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN?  FIND OUT. TAKE THE TEST!!!   LOL

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
Leave it there.
After 9 months, remove 5 percent of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

Walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 to 6 kilograms, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
At 10 p.m., put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
Get up at 11 p.m. and walk the bag around the living room until 1 a.m.
Set the alarm for 3 a.m.
As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a cup of tea.
Go to bed at 2:45 a.m.
Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m.
Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up when it goes off.
Make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

Forget the BMW. Buy a practical five-door wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

Wait.
Go out the front door.
Come back in again.
Go out.
Come back in again.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations With children

Repeat everything you say at least five times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old

Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
Watch nothing else on television for at least five years.

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips With Toddlers

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mommy!" repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each "Mommy." Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
Put on your finest work attire.
Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
Stir
Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
Do not change (you have no time).
Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!