Thursday, 24 December 2015
Mom Of 20 Kids Speaks!!!!!
HOW 1 MOTHER CARED FOR 20 CHILDREN AND HERSELF AS WELL
as told to C. Saphir
C. Saphir's weekly Mishpacha Magazine column "Lifelines" is the first thing I read every week when Mishpacha comes to my door, and the following excerpt is taken from an article so wonderful I have been waiting for my birthday (today!) to give it as a present to my dear JewishMOMs. What I love most about this mother's story is how she chooses, time and again, to cope with a potentially overwhelming life by taking responsibility for her own happiness.
A MOTHER OF PEARLS as told to C. Saphir
When I was younger, I didn’t imagine myself becoming a mother of 20 children. Even today, I don’t think of myself as “the lady with 20 children.” I was fortunate that Hashem blessed me – not only with 20 beautiful children, but also with the type of husband, the type of nature, and the type of kochos [energy] necessary to raise such a family.
Today, all but the youngest of my children are married, yet I don’t consider myself any sort of expert. Every person is different, every spouse is different, every child is different, and every home is different. I would never assume that what worked for me would work for someone else....
“Still,” people ask me, “How did you manage?”
Although I don’t feel that my overall experience is instructive for anyone else, I can think of certain attitudes that helped me along the way.
I’m the type of person who likes to be happy. I’m not going to wait for someone else to make me happy – I’m going to do what it takes to make myself happy. For instance, instead of waiting for my husband to buy me something I wanted, I would buy it, wrap it up nicely, write a little poem, and present it to my husband, Shea, to give to me. I wouldn’t spend a lot of money on these little gifts to myself – I couldn’t do that without consulting with my husband – but to me, a present was a present regardless of the price tag.
It was a win-win proposition: I created opportunities for my husband to give to me, and I made myself happy, without putting pressure on my husband or on our bank account.
When one of my daughters was engaged, I bought myself a pair of mother-of-pearl earrings. I gave it to Shea – gift-wrapped, with a note – and asked him to give it to me on the day of our daughter’s wedding.
On the day of the wedding, he forgot all about it. So I wore a different pair of earrings.
Had I really wanted to wear those particular earrings to my daughter’s wedding, I would have reminded Shea about it. I wasn’t trying to test him and see if he remembered that he was supposed to give me something – I just wanted to be happy. As it happened, on the day of the wedding I didn’t care that much which earrings I wore, so I decided not to mention it.
It took a few months until Shea remembered about the earrings. My nephew, Yanky, was getting married then, so my husband asked me, “Does it count if I give it to you before Yanky’s wedding?”
“Why not?” I responded. “It’s always nice to get a present.” And I really enjoyed the note I had written to myself, about being the mother of pearls.
Once, I was at a wedding with my mother-in-law, and she admired the ring I was wearing. It was a $16 ring I had picked up for myself.
“Shea bought it for me for our anniversary,” I told her.
Later, when Shea and I were leaving the hall, we gave my in-laws a ride home.
“Shea,” my mother-in-law said, “that’s a beautiful ring you bought Goldie for your anniversary.”
“I’m glad you like it,” he said, without missing a beat. He already knew my meshugassen [nonsense].
When we got home, he said, “Let me see the ring I bought you.”
He was happy, I was happy, and my mother-in-law was happy. What could be better?
Shea worked a long day, coming home late in the evening. When he walked through the door, the kids knew that for the first 20 minutes or so after he came home, they should play quietly and not disturb him. He and I would sit down in the kitchen to eat supper, and that was our time together. If the children needed something, they would have to wait.
Shea and I didn’t take vacations. I felt that my role in life was to take care of my children, not to send them away.
So I created my own vacations. I was almost always home with my children, so getting out of the house for an hour was a vacation, even if it was just a trip to the grocery. If I couldn’t get out of the house, and I felt I needed a break, I would closet myself in the kitchen for a minute or two, and ask Hashem to give me energy to cope with whatever situation I was dealing with. I tried to preface these requests with a brief expression of thanks – as my aunt used to say, if you ask the Ribbono Shel Olam [Master of the Universe] for a favor without thanking him first, you’re a shnorrer. These impromptu tefillos [prayers] gave me renewed energy, because they reminded me that Hashem is in charge, and gave me the confidence that He would help me.
Once a year, I went to Florida for a week. I did that without packing a suitcase, making any babysitting arrangements, or even stepping foot out of the house. The week I was in Florida, I didn’t go around the house each morning making the beds and straightening up the rooms. I didn’t do any ironing. I didn’t make suppers that involved much preparation – the kids ate tuna sandwiches or scrambled eggs. At night, I did a jigsaw puzzle.
No one besides Shea knew I was in Florida; it was our little secret. The kids never noticed that I wasn’t putting in a full day’s work. They had no idea that I was vacationing right under their noses!
But for me, the best vacation was when a day just went smoothly – a day when everyone found their socks and shoes in the morning, when no one forgot their lunch at home, when the baby napped at the right time, when the kids came home from school happy.
To give myself as many of these “vacation” days as possible, I set up systems that would make the house run smoothly. School lunches were prepared the night before. Each younger child was paired with an older child who was responsible for dressing them in the morning. There were checklists on the wall for each child reminding them of all the things they had to do before going to bed – prepare knapsack, brush teeth, choose clothing, etc.
These systems didn’t replace my role as a mother, they merely smoothed out the technicalities so that I could focus my attention on the children themselves. I was able to sing the children to sleep, do arts ‘n crafts with them, and write them each little personalized notes.
One invaluable system I implemented was that a week before each family wedding, we had a dress rehearsal. Each child got dressed head to toe, and I made sure that every garment and accessory was ready to go. Once, I noticed that my son’s pants were too short. Another time, I noticed that my daughter’s petticoat was sticking out, and that a different child’s shoes were scuffed. At that point, it was no big deal to buy a new pair of pants, get the petticoat hemmed, and polish the scuffed shoes. But had I noticed these little things on the day of the wedding, I would either have had to deal with them on the spot, which would have caused stress, or I would have had to tell the child, “Tough luck, I can’t deal with this now,” which would have caused agmas nefesh [distress] for both the kid and me.
The night before the wedding, I handed each child a pile of everything they would need the next day, from yarmulke to necktie, from headband to necklace. The morning of the wedding, the kids would go to school until twelve, and then they would come home, shower, take their respective piles, and get themselves ready. Those wedding days were some of my best vacations.
Then there were plenty of days that were not vacations. Days when one child would wake up with high fever, another would miss his bus, a third would be frantically searching through the laundry for a pair of tights, and a fourth would vomit all over the carpet. All at the same time.
On a day like that, I would tell myself, This day is going to pass. It’s only 24 hours, no matter what. At the end of such a day, I would think, Tomorrow will be better. I didn’t dwell on the mishaps and frustrations of the day that passed. Rather, I tried to set things up so that these glitches wouldn’t happen again in the future, and then I put them behind me. What was the use in beating myself up over what gone wrong today, or what I hadn’t managed to do? I was just a human being, and I didn’t have to be perfect.
If there was something I could fix, I did. If not, there was no use thinking about it, because being upset at myself was not going to make things happen. Gam zu l’tovah, everything is for the best. If I didn’t accomplish everything I had hoped to do, there was always tomorrow. My motto was, “Yesterday is chaloimos [dreams], tomorrow is dimyoinos [imagination], and today we have to live.” Not dwelling on the failures of yesterday or the worries of tomorrow freed me to enjoy the present and focus on the many good parts of my life.
In general, I’m not the type of person who analyzes myself too much. If the kids were keeping me up night after night, I wouldn’t think to myself, This is terrible, I can’t sleep normally, I’m not functioning. If I was tired, I would go take a nap. I didn’t label things as “situations”; I took each day as it came. I had the same attitude toward my weight. I wanted to lose weight, but I wasn’t going to make myself sick over it. So at one point, I threw out my scale. If I managed to lose weight, good. If not, so what? It was more important to me that I should be happy.
If I needed something, I’d get it for myself. In the early years, I was able to run the house without any cleaning help. At some point, it became too much for me, so I started taking hired help. I always preferred to take help on Sunday, to clean up after Shabbos; getting ready for Shabbos was a privilege I didn’t want to share with a cleaning lady. But that was my choice. If it would have been too hard for me, I wouldn’t have forced myself to do it.
When my kids would ask me for something, I would ask them, “Do you need it, or do you want it?”
If they said they needed it, I believed them, and I made sure they got it. But if they said they wanted it, I would say, “I’ll discuss it with Tatty.” When the kids would ask Shea for something, he would say, “I’ll discuss it with Mommy.” Sometimes the answer was yes, sometimes it was no, but because the no came from both of us – “Tatty and I decided…” – it usually met with little or no resistance. The kids knew, after all, that if they said they needed it, they would get it. The fact that they had 19 siblings had no bearing on their individual needs. Why should they feel deprived just because they came from a large family?
When people hear that I have 20 children, their automatic reaction is often, “Wow, that’s so hard.” What they don’t realize is that the Ribbono Shel Olam sends, along with every child, the kochos to care for that child. Raising one child can be harder than raising ten.
That’s why, when I look back at my years of childrearing, I don’t feel proud of myself. I feel incredibly blessed and grateful that Hashem entrusted these children to me, and gave me the kochos with which to raise them. Just as a rich person would be foolish to pride himself on the money Hashem gave him, it would be foolish for me to take credit for the beautiful family Hashem granted me, or to think that what worked for me will work for others.
Once, my young daughter came home from school and reported that her classmate’s mother had come in as a guest speaker. “Why don’t you come speak to us, Mommy?” she asked.
“When I’ll be completely successful with my own children, then I’ll lecture others,” I responded.
She looked at me innocently, and chanted, “Try and fail, try and fail, but never fail to try again.”
It was a mantra she had heard from a teacher, no doubt, but how well it summed up my approach to life. I have to use the kochos the Ribbono Shel Olam gave in the right way, and not expect too much of myself. That way, today will be good – and tomorrow will be even better.
This article was reprinted with permission from Mishpacha Magazine.
Available now from Artscroll/Mesorah--The Best of Lifelines by C. Saphir, with all new postscript follow-ups to each story.
Wow This Is Bashert!
A 25 year old yeshiva bachur was still not married. Usually, yeshiva bachurim get married at ages 22, 23, not older then that. So a 25 years old boy is considered old if he is not married by then. This boy went out with girls and after the first date, none of the girls wanted to continue going out with him. He had a scar on his cheek, that looked like a cut whichdidn't look so good to the eye. He was an amazing boy, good middos, Yiras Shamayim, he was a really great boy. But every girl would go out with him ona date, she would see his scar, and there would be no second date after that. Therefore, he got to the age of 25 and he was still not married. He goes to Rabbi and he tells him "Kvod HaRav I don't know what to do. I want to get married. My friends are all married and I am still in yeshiva." And he told him that he thinks that it's because of his scar.Rav told him "the next time you meet a girl, talk to her about your scar on the date and tell her the story about what caused you to have this scar". He didn't understand what difference it would make by himtelling his story since he knew that if the girl does not like his scar then it doesn't matter what caused it. One or two months passed by and a girl wassuggested to him. He looked into her, he hears that she is a very special girl with Yiras Shamayim, and exceptional middos. He asks what she lookslike and he is told that she looks good. This made him feel worried because he prefers that she is not going to be so good looking because he knew thatif she is really beautiful then she definitly won't be interested in him. So he thought to himself "maybe she doesn't look as good as people say, nobodyever says about another person that she doesn't look good even if she is not so attractive." So he decided to go out with her. On the way to the date hewas very nervous. He was hoping that she wasn't so good looking. He was hoping that maybe something would come out of it. When he got there, he saw that not only did she look good, she looked stunning. She was gorgeous! He was very disappointed because he knew that a girl that looks like this would never want him. He went over to her and they started talking. He noticed her looking at his scar. As they were getting into a deeper conversation he saw how everything that he heard about her was really true. She had good middos,Yiras Shamayim, she was truly a special girl. As hard as it was for him, he decided that since Rav Kanievsky told him that he should tell his story about his scar then he is going to do it. So he told her "I am sure yourealized the scar that I have on my cheek. Rav told me to tell my story about this scar on the first date so I am going to tell it to you." Hetold her that 5 years ago, when he was 20 years old, he came back from Yeshiva in Jerusalem. He was learning in Mir Yeshiva and when he left it waslate at night and it was very dark and deserted. All of a sudden he heard a young Jewish lady screaming. He saw an Arab man running after her and tryingto catch her. He immedietly caught the Arab man, and he held him back from hurting the lady. He screamed out for help and the neighbors came out oftheir houses to see what is going on and the young lady was able to run awaybefore he did anything bad to her. He saved her, but before he himself could run away, the Arab man took out a knife and cut his face. He was taken to the hospital and he was healed. He told her that this is why he has this scar on his face until today.The girl lowered her eyes and when she lifted her eyes back again to look at him, he saw saw that she had tears in her eyes. She told him, "For years Ihave been looking for the guy who saved me from that Arab man on that day".They got married to each other and today they are happily married and they built a bayis ne'eman b'yisrael together.A person that is close to HaKadosh Baruch Hu, trusts in Him. You never know what Hashem plans for you and why he sends you certain challenges. You may not understand why it's taking so long for you to find your zivug and why it doesn't work out for you with anyone. But, whenever you find your zivug, everything will be clear to you.Toby LiederCheck out my Blog!
Wednesday, 23 December 2015
All Meant To Be
RABBI ASHEAR TRANSCRIPT
Directions from Above
Although Hashem doesn't reveal himself openly, He is with us all day long, guiding us and speaking to us. For example, if a person makes the proper hishtadlut to wake up for an early minyan, he sets his alarm and goes to sleep on time, but ends up sleeping through the alarm and has to pray at a later minyan, that was caused by Hashem. If the man sees someone at that minyan that he has been trying so long to get in touch with, he will understand one of the many reasons why Hashem directed him there. But even if nothing happens there and the day continues as usual, it doesn't take away from the fact that Hashem directed this man to that minyan and caused his schedule to be slightly altered.
Sometimes Hashem allows us to clearly see His guiding hand and sometimes He does not. Whether we see it or not, the fact is that we are always being guided. When we are able to clearly see how Hashem was guiding us, it gives us a lot of chizuk.
I read a story written by Mrs. Leah Tisser about a woman who went to Israel last year for Sukkot. The woman said she was going with her entire family to visit her son who was learning there and they were due to arrive the day before the holiday. They were driving down Ocean Parkway on the way to Kennedy Airport, when the woman suddenly remembered that she left her make-up bag on the dresser. They were about ten minutes from their house, but they didn't want to take the risk of missing the flight. Her husband told her to call the airlines to see if the flight was on time. She called El Al and asked if flight 354 to Tel-Aviv was leaving on time. The agent responded, "We don't have a flight 354 going to Tel-Aviv." She yelled back, "What do you mean you don't have a flight 354? Our ticket says flight 354 leaving for Tel-Aviv at 7:45 pm." She got very flustered. She told her husband, how could this happen? We were planning this trip for months. We have guests coming to us in Israel. Could they have canceled the flight without telling us? Her husband looked at the ticket and said, "No, it's our mistake. Our return flight is to Kennedy, but we're departing from Newark." Now they were really tight. It was going to take an extra half hour to get to that airport. They instructed the driver to turn west on the Belt Parkway, and they just made the flight. When they arrived in Israel, the woman opened her suitcase and saw the make-up bag right there on the top. Why did she think otherwise? That was Hashem practically telling them that they were going the wrong way.
A Rabbi told me this past Erev Shabbat Hanukah, he went to pray Mincha at a 12:45 minyan, but arrived a minute or two after they started. The shul had a mikveh in the basement, so he decided to go to the mikveh in honor of Shabbat and then pray at the 1:00 minyan. While in the mikveh, he noticed a very large bulging red patch of skin on his leg. He asked someone about it and the person responded that it looked very serious. "You need to go to a doctor right away." It was Friday afternoon, a couple of hours before Shabbat and the doctors close early. The Rabbi was very nervous. He prayed Mincha at the 1:00minyan and was thinking of leaving right after the Amida, but he convinced himself he'd be better off praying to Hashem and staying until the end. As he was leaving the shul at 1:15, he bumped in to a local dermatologist. Amazing! He asked the doctor if he would take a look at his leg. They went off to the side. The doctor told the Rabbi, you have cellulitis, a bacterial infection of the skin that could spread very quickly if not treated. The doctor called in a prescription to a pharmacy down the block. And just like that, within minutes, the Rabbi was on antibiotic. Hashem was clearly directing him, making him late for the first minyan, finding the problem in the mikveh, meeting the doctor right after.
Hashem is always guiding us, whether we realize it or not. We should always feel at ease knowing that our loving Hashem is always with us.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
In One Split Second
In The Blink of an Eye
ישועת ה' כהרף עין, the salvation of Hashem comes in the blink on an eye. A person can hope and pray for something for so long but see no results. All of a sudden, when there seems nothing left to do and all hope is lost, the salvation comes. Everything the person had been hoping for materializes. This is ישועת ה' כהרף עין.
Sometimes salvation comes as a result of our efforts and sometimes it comes from a completely different source. The cause doesn't matter, because either way it's from Hashem. It's important for us to always remember, that although our efforts are necessary, they are not what bring us the results. Hashem told us to try and do everything we can to be successful. Once we've done our role, we've created a pipeline for Hashem to send His blessing.
If somebody tried in vain for months to sell a certain property and then one day, somebody out of the blue calls him and makes a great offer, he should not feel that his effort for the last few months were wasted. His hishtadlut created the pipeline, and Hashem sent the results.
We must never give up on our goals, especially when trying to do the will of Hashem. People trying for a long time to get married or have children could begin to feel "What's the point? I'm not seeing any results anyway. My efforts are futile." Nevertheless, Hashem wants them to continue hoping to Him. The salvation could come from a completely unexpected source, but it's only after we have made our efforts and continued to pray.
Someone recently showed me two articles that demonstrate this point. The first one told the story of a woman who once visited her aunt in the hospital. As she was walked down the hallway, an elderly gentleman stopped her and asked if she was religious. She responded yes. He then inquired if she knew of any middle aged men for his 38 year old daughter. The man said his daughter, Yael, became religious and was having a difficult time getting married. The woman replied that she just happened to have joined a network of shadchanim and would be glad to help.
She contacted the man's daughter and put her name on a list. Very shortly afterwards, someone in the network suggested Moshe, a 42 year old single. The match was set up, and Baruch Hashem, they are now happily married. One could imagine all the heartache Yael had experienced, all the tefilot she had prayed, all of the connections she had tried to make until the age of 38. All of a sudden, from a completely unexpected source, the ישועת השםcame בהרף עין.
The other article was about a couple named Avi and Rachel from Israel, who were married for many years with no children. After years of unsuccessful treatments in Israel, the couple decided, based on medical advice, to seek treatment in the United States. Even though they were unhappy with their daily routine in New York, they wanted children so badly that they were willing to stick it out. One day Avi was called back to Israel suddenly to tend to a family emergency. He went by himself and was going to return as soon as possible. As he was boarding the return flight, the clerk looked at his passport and shook his head. "You can't enter the US", he said and pointed to a large black stamp on the passport that Avi had never seen before.
Without a choice, he told his wife to return to Israel where they settled back into their old lives. A few months later, they discovered that Rachel was expecting. They weren't even undergoing any treatments at the time. Baruch Hashem, eight months later Rachel gave birth to identical twins. They had put in years of hishtadlut and tefilot, but in the end, Hashem brought the yeshua in the blink of an eye, right back where they started. Their effort were necessary, nothing was wasted. They opened the pipeline.
Hashem wants us to always keep trying and keep praying to Him. B'ezrat Hashem everyone who needs a yeshua will see the ישועת השם כהרף עין.
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Saturday, 19 December 2015
The Day After Chanukah Good Story
I know most rabbis will call people before Chanukah; however, I realized that the call after Chanukah can be even more appreciated.
Ethel Moshkowitz (named changed) taught me this important lesson and since then, every year for the last six years I call her on the day after Chanukah.
It was six years ago on the day after Chanukah when I met Ethel in the local kosher grocery and realized that she had forgotten one bag of groceries at the check-out line. I told the cashier that I would bring her the forgotten bag.
Ethel lives in a one bedroom apartment in a high-rise building in Passaic.
I called and told Ethel I had the groceries; and asked her, “If it was not too much trouble could I drop it by?”
Early that afternoon I drove to Passaic Ave and pressed the elevator button for the sixth floor.
As the elevator made its steady climb upward I thought just how happy Ethel must be.
Her son and daughter-in-law lived less than a mile away in Clifton and she had just spent Shabbos Chanukah by them along with their married children who live in Lakewood.
I could only imagine the nachas Ethel had from being with her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
As soon as the doors opened to the sixth floor I could hear the deafening sound of a blaring radio.
As I neared apartment 6B I realized that the blasting radio was emanating from Ethel’s apartment!
I rang her bell, knocked loudly and finally after what seemed like an eternity, Ethel opened the door.
“Hello Rabbi, please come in for a minute.”
I did not want to insult her, however, I did need her to lower the volume so I jokingly said, “That must be a very interesting show on the radio for you to have it on so loud!”
Ethel looked up and with complete sincerity replied, “Oh, the radio is on? I was not even listening; sometimes I forget I had turned it on.”
And then I uttered the words which I regretted saying the minute they left my mouth, “If you are not listening then why have the radio on and why so loud?”
Ethel suddenly became solemn and clarified somewhat apologetically,
“Rabbi, let me explain.
Today is the day after Chanukah.
Today everyone went home and back to their regular busy routine.
My grandchildren were restless to get back to Lakewood and they drove home this morning.
And I am sure that my son and daughter-in- law are appreciating the peace and quiet as they are now able to get back to their regular work routine.
I also came back to my apartment today.
However, for me what does today mean?
Does it mean getting back into my ‘busy or exciting’ routine?
For me it means one thing: loneliness.
For the last few days of Chanukah I heard the voices of Jewish children.
I heard them when I awoke and when I went to sleep.
When I arrived back home I was ‘welcomed’ with the same sounds that have greeted me since my husband passed away - thesounds of silence.
The silence is so painful and so haunting that I put on the radio just to hear another human voice.
I am sorry if the radio was disturbing.
For me the day after Chanukah or any Yom Tov when everyone excitedly gets back to their ‘real lives’, is the day I go back to my silent and lonely home.
What for others is a day of joy, for me is a day of sadness”.
As I left her with the red bag of groceries and made my way to the elevator, I turned around and saw Ethel Moshkowitz close her apartment door behind her. A minute later her radio was back on, perhaps a drop lower than before.
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