Inspirations By Toby

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Oprah Learns About Keeping Shabbat

The Gemara says מה' אשה לאיש, marriages are orchestrated by Hashem. In other areas of life, we are supposed to put in our full hishtadlut, and only then does Hashem bless our efforts. However, when it comes to shiduchim, the Vilna Gaon writes,'בזה יש לבטוח בה, we are to put total trust in Hashem. Rav Shlomo Zalman Aurbach explained this to mean that in shiduchim, the minimum amount of effort suffices. Contemporary Rabbis have said that it is enough to call a few shadchanim (matchmakers) and remind them periodically. In shiduchim, it is already obvious that Hashem is behind the scenes. We don't need to conceal the miracle by putting in extra effort.

It's true, some people get married right away and for others it takes years; but that's all בהשגחה (Divine Providence). People who are older and single should not feel guilty that they are not married. They shouldn't be upset at other people for not helping them enough, because מה' אשה לאיש. When the time comes for a person to get married, Hashem makes it happen.

Sometimes a person was told that a shiduch wouldn't be a good match for him and then months later, when it's already too late, others tell him, "that girl would have been perfect for you." He shouldn't feel bad at all. Hashem arranged it that he should ask the one who was going to advise him against it, because that girl wasn't for him. Hashem gives a person the messages he needs to hear in order to say yes to the one he's supposed to marry and the messages he needs to hear to say no to the one he's not supposed to marry. When a shiduch is meant to be, the Master Shadchan ensures that it reaches fruition.

It was time for the Chidushei Harim to find a suitable match for his daughter. The first boy that was suggested knew that the Rabbi was going to test him on the Gemara he was learning. He had a long journey to travel to the Rabbi's city so he brought along his Gemara to review. On the road, the Gemara fell into a mud puddle and was ruined. Only one page remained in his hand- a page from the middle of the fourth chapter.

The boy said גם זו לטובה (it's for the best). Left with no other choice, he spent the entire trip reviewing that one page. When he finally arrived at the Rabbi's house, the Rabbi asked him which masechet he was learning, he responded, Baba Metzia. The Rabbi said to himself, "I'm not going to ask him questions from the beginning. I'm going to ask him questions from somewhere in the middle." The piece he chose was the exact one the boy just reviewed. Baba Metzia has 119 pages. Hashem made it that he review the one page he was going to be tested on. That was a clear hashgachat peratit. The Rabbi was very impressed with the boy, and he became his son-in-law. This boy was actually not one of the top boys in the yeshiva. If the Rabbi had known more about him, he might not have chosen him as his son-in-law. But Hashem wanted this shiduch, so He worked it out perfectly.

We have no idea why some people have to wait a long time and others don't. We don't know why some people have to go through many rejections before they get married, or why some people have to get their hopes up and are then let down. We do know, there is a very good reason for every situation and Hashem is behind it all. He knows what we're going through. He feels our pain. But, He always does what's best. The greatest hishtadlut we can do in shiduchim is tefila, because Hashem is the only One with a say, and He loves hearing from us.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Nice Story

This past week R' Avraham Respler, a great mechanech passed away. It was told over in the house of shiva that when Rabbi Respler was a young boy, he was called into the office to tell him that he was not able to return to yeshiva because he didn't have money for tuition. He stayed home for two days. He was embarrassed. The rebbe found out about it and the rebbe called him and asked him to come back to school. The rebbe told the principal, if he doesn't come back, then I don't come back either. What a great display of sacrifice from a rebbe to a talmid.

The story doesn't end there. Fifty years later, Rabbi Respler was already a seasoned mechanech, a principal in his own right. There was a young Russian boy in his school and he too was not paying tuition. They told him, whether it was the board or someone else in the school, that he can't come to school if he doesn't pay. Rabbi Respler reaching deep down inside his reservoir of hope and strength, says to them, well if he doesn't come back, then neither do I. Today, that boy is a rebbe in Toras Emes!

I heard this story second hand from someone who heard it at the house of shiva, and I hope the family will be inspired that we are telling over the story. I hope I said it accurately as possible, but the message resonates loud and clear. Children are not disposable. No child should be given anything less than a stellar chance for a stellar education.

Hopefully IY"H, if we treat our children, and I don't mean our biological children but our collective children, with the love that we can shower them with, then Hashem will repay us in kind and will take care of His children, us with the same love. Have a great day and a great rest of your week. The Respler family, hamakom yinachem eschem, what an inspiration your father was to Klal Yisroel.

5 Amazing Tips To Remember

My wife and I just had our fourth baby. Having a new baby in the house has made me feel more nostalgic than usual and I’ve reflected back on my own childhood. I’ve thought about the memories that stick out in my mind and I think about the memories I want my own children to hold onto. I want to be intentional about every precious moment.

Jerry Seinfeld jokes that, “Babies’ sole purpose is to replace us! That’s why their first words are, “Mama, Dada…Bye Bye.”

It’s a funny joke, but also an important reminder that life is short and our time with our kids is going to go by fast. With that in mind, I want to make the most of every minute and create the kind of legacy that will endure long after I’m gone. This isn’t a morbid thought, but rather an important way to stay focused on what matters most with every minute we have with our kids.

As parents, we tend to stress about things that don’t matter all that much. Our kids probably aren’t going to remember every detail of our home decor, or how perfect our landscaping looked or whether our refrigerator was stocked was name brands or generics. Let’s focus on what really matters. If you want to know what your kids will remember about you, here it is:

5 things your kids will remember about you:

1. The times you made them feel safe (or the times you made them feel unsafe).

There’s a vulnerability and a need for protection in the heart of every child. Your kids will remember those moments you chased the monsters from under their bed or held them after a nightmare, but they’ll also remember the times when your temper became the monster they feared. Our kids are probably going to see us angry sometimes, because that’s part of life, but make it your mission to make your children feel safe and secure at all times when they’re with you.

2. The times you gave them your undivided attention.

Kids measure love primarily by our attentiveness to them. The times you stop what you’re doing to have a tea party or go outside to throw a ball or jump on a trampoline with be memories etched into their minds and hearts forever. Take the time to do the little things with your kids, because in the end, they’ll be the moments that matter most.

3. The way you interacted with your spouse.

Our kids are forming their views of love in large part by watching how we treat our husband or wife. Strive to have the kind of marriage that makes them excited to get married someday. Give them the security that comes from seeing their Mom and Dad in a committed, loving relationship with each other.

4. Your words of affirmation AND your words of criticism.

A child’s heart is like wet cement and the impression made early in life will harden over time. They’ll base their sense of identity, capability and even self-worth largely upon the words you speak to them in those formative years. Part of our job as parents is to correct and discipline, but even in correction, let your words be full of love, encouragement and positive reinforcement.

5. Your family traditions.

Kids love spontaneity, but they also have deep need for predictability. They’ll remember with great fondness the “traditions” you establish whether it’s a weekly family movie (or game) night, a place you regularly travel for family getaways, the way you celebrate birthdays and special events or any other special tradition. Be intentional about creating some traditions that they’ll want to pass onto their own children someday.